Years add wisdom, difficulties build strength, love moves mountains, tears nourish growth, dreams reveal purpose, character buries superficiality...Truth IS.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

WAKING UP--Seek No Other Teacher Than That of Your Own Truth.

Good Morning All!
As I sit here this morning, drinking my freshly-ground and brewed coffee, made just the way I like it, I am overwhelmed with feelings of immense gratitude for my life, and all that I have. 

If I were to make this blog post a confessional of sorts, I would have to be honest enough to say that I haven't always been this appreciative.  I haven't always defaulted to gratitude.  I've bitched and moaned, felt sorry for myself, felt I deserved better or more.  I've been stuck in hostility and resentment over the choices of others that directly effected me and my life in some way. I've been disappointed when others ignored or avoided my need for compassion, assistance and/or affection when I needed it the most--when I would have been the first one reaching out to them in the same circumstances. Sure...I AM human--and probably one of the most pressing and dire needs of a human being is to feel as if they matter..that they are seen...that they are in some way an important and vital part of this life and all that manifests within it.  But, which is more important...how I feel about myself and understand myself...or how others see and understand me?

I recently read an article about the tendencies, behavior, and the exquisite emotional intelligence of "empaths."  Scoff at the "label", and laugh at its implication if you must, but it struck a major chord with me.  Though everyone could read the same article and say they share some of the same characteristics SOME OF THE TIME, or have experienced them at one time or another..there are probably very few who would say that it is a daily cross they bear or a struggle they enter into from the time they awaken in the morning that goes with them every minute of the day--that they really cannot escape...even in sleep.  It went on to explain that the less an empathic person understands about their immense capability to "feel" their way through life, the less grounded they are and go on to become.  Therefore, it is very accurately expressed that those who have this sometimes annoying and most times downright frightful capability need to seek to understand, accept, and incorporate this innate and mysterious part of them into their daily lives in order to be spiritually wise as well as grounded in reality and lead a balanced life. 

I am a chronic researcher, probably because my curiosity has absolutely no boundary.  I have to dig to the bottom of everything....I seek to understand...I want to know...but I am content to WAIT for the answers if they are not the immediate result of my research.  I've learned that there are just some things that need the space and time to unfold before you.  However, in order for me to recognize it when it happens, I have to remain aware, follow the signs, and rely on my ability to recognize patterns and my inner radar to detect "a disruption in the force."  I 've come to understand that  a concentrated focus on a specific answer leaves room for manufacturing what would be a more acceptable and pleasing outcome.  The answers that are most valuable and important are those that come to you without a concerted effort through a state of open awareness. I've always been sensitive to people's feelings and their behavior, and I've also become quite curious about the workings of the mind and nature and how they interact with one another to create the life we lead.  It is a completely natural happenstance for me to just sit back and observe everything that goes on around and inside of me.  I tend to "catch" things that others have no idea I am experiencing.  I rather enjoy the bit of comic relief this provides to me at times--when I cannot believe that people have NO clue how they are coming off to others.  I am not big on lip service, nor am I swayed by campaign.  I DIAL right in on what is behind and underneath it all...it comes completely naturally to me.  I can pretty accurately spot a fraud, and I can also just as astutely recognize the "real deal."  This is my greatest gift and blessing...though it took me half of my life to figure it out how to apply this gift to my overall intelligence.  I spent many years martyring myself before the undeserving because my bent toward compassion and feeling another's pain was permitted to run wild apart from my better judgment.  I was convinced that my over-active empathy and compassion for others was my best asset and so I became totally invested in exerting all of my energy source to that.  What I found was that although it served me in a way to be able to say and believe "I gave (them) the BEST of me"...I also had to face the fact that THAT was a lie.  The best of me would be the BALANCED ME...The real me...ALL of me.  That includes the part of me that KNOWS they have the capacity to dig themselves out of the mess they got themselves into, the part of me that recognized the story didn't necessarily match the facts,the body language didn't integrate at all with the facial expression... the part of me that really wanted to tell them..."FIGURE IT OUT...I don't know what to tell you."  BUT...the part of me that I felt to be selfish, uncaring, and unsympathetic...(ya know...all the "bad" parts of me).  I could NEVER allow those bad things to enter into a GENUINE and AUTHENTIC exchange...that would make me FEEL bad about myself.  So there you have it folks...the confession of a textbook EMPATH.

It wasn't until I realized how much it TOOK from me to GIVE so "unselfishly" to others that I began to understand how I had misused this gift of sensitivity. It is VERY true that we teach others how to treat us. I accept full responsibility, though I also forgive myself for my naivety and ignorance.  I really had no idea how self-sabotaging I had allowed the better part of me to become--until I was left in a serious state of emotional and mental bankruptcy--and had to FIGURE IT OUT MYSELF--and that I did!  The biggest hurdle that has always stood before me in the worst times of my life has been understanding WHY things happen the way they do, WHY people are the way they are, and why I always seemed to be a target for greedy, unappreciative, and self-serving people.  I always seemed to end up on the shitty end of the stick!  There were times where I had lost all hope in humanity...but even more scary, all hope period...and I had no faith at all in myself, did not trust my own judgment, and had NO idea who I was or where I fit into my very own life.  I became withdrawn, kept to myself--out of extreme fear of ever opening myself up again to anyone.  I became sullen and stern...and I tipped from my defaulted "idealistic" outlook to complete and total REALISM...all things possible and everything of potential became nonexistent in my life...for a while.  The term most modern-day spiritual guru's will use to describe this phenomenon is "the dark night of the soul."  Yep...and I'm glad THAT is over with!!  What I came out of that period with...was the answer I had been looking for for most of my life.  Who I am and who I am not, how I think and how I don't, what is most important to me and what isn't so much..or not at all.  What I deduced from my commitment to ME..with all of the very difficult and unabashed honesty...was quite striking and so very true...so much so...I BANK my life on it. 

I AM..an INVESTOR

Only an investor understands VALUE.  Only an investor immediately sees potential in every opportunity/person/relationship/purchase....everything.  In turn, it is just automatic for an investor to begin to invest in everything that he/she feels to be somewhat worthy of risk.  They are focused on quality.  In an ending relationship where one person feels more broken than the other..chances are, it is an investment-spender dynamic.  A spender SPENDS his/her time, his/her money, his/her effort to the ends of immediate gratification...in other words...they live to have fun, to be entertained, to have their needs "of the moment" satisfied.  Where an investor puts all they have into everything they do...their energy, their monetary wealth, their creativity..always thinking of growth, expansion, and building toward optimum potential.  They know the value of giving til it hurts now because they are geared toward "the long run."  It is probably very important for me to clarify...this is NOT a mental process.  This is not a CONDITIONED state.  It is an innate essence.  This is why SO many businesses that "should have made it big" fold up and fall under...because there are spenders who believe that they can be taught or trained to be smart investors.  Umm...sorry....that's not the way it works...right GM? Fannie Mae?  Freddie Mac?  They are quantity driven....more parts, more money, more attention, more notoriety...and yet the quality lacks because their SPENDING habits are always going to come from an attitude of lack and a self-serving vantage point.  An investor invests all of their assets to achieve balance, harmony, peace, joy and lasting happiness.   They NEED their time to matter, their attitude and contribution to the "greater good for all" to allow them to sleep at night.  They give everything they have to the greatest potential outcome...and this is why when things don't work out....they are BROKEN and left destitute.  The spender LIVES in this space.  They never have anything of value because they don't recognize it to begin with...and so when things don't pan out for them, its just normal.  They are short-term thinkers....the value is in the immediate return..and the more, the better.  However, when that is gone, they just seek out a different source.  An investor, however,  LOSES him/herself within the loss....because they ARE their source of investment. 

INVESTOR/SPENDER RELATIONSHIPS

The bible warns "do not become unequally yoked with unbelievers."  This is a very strong and powerful warning.  However, it seems that the age-old saying "opposites attract" is equally as powerful.  Attraction...is temporary and ever changing.  Your innate essence...is NOT.  It is steadfast and it DRIVES you...it is your spirit, your soul...your foundation.  A spender is "attracted" to an investor.  Why wouldn't they be?  It is a free ride on the "potential success" train.  It is an unearned venture into the "shared" success of another...hmmm..good deal...right?  WRONG!  It will never work out IN THE LONG RUN FOR THE INVESTOR.  The spender will stick around as long as the investor will have them....and that is the way things like this usually turn out.  When the investor recognizes what it has COST them to sustain the spender, they usually will cut their losses and walk away...no matter the perceived loss OR how painful it is...because you see, the investor also realizes that with every investment...there is a risk...and emotional reaction/response changes minute to minute.  In terms of attraction, the investor is also strongly attracted to the spender because of their seemingly refreshing care-free outlook on life and their ability to just LET GO of all of the worrisome aspects of life.  Because an investor is so locked into BUILDING, they are typically miring over details...and it is very refreshing to just LET LOOSE once in a while and just go with the flow and be in the company of FUN.  This relationship definitely serves each of the people in it SHORT TERM.  Long term, it comes down to the core of it all for the investor...is this worth my time, my effort, my financial, emotional, and mental strain?  

SO...DOES THIS MEAN THAT SPENDERS HAVE NO SOUL?

Not necessarily.  I believe that souls can be damaged to the point of unrecognition.  I believe that spenders have probably had to seek "alternatives" their entire lives because in their formative years, the true measure of their own value that comes most times from the love, attention, support, and example of our parents in the very formative and most dependent  years of our human existence lacked in some way.  They may have had to SEEK that which should have naturally BEEN through buying, bartering or trade.  THIS is a HABITUAL and CONDITIONED mindset and response to life...it is not natural.  It is based upon ease-of-use and replacement potential.  It is where love and security become objectified into a commodity.  Therefore, because any type of real security was ALTERNATING in nature, it may have manifested into a belief that its source was the same.  Their structure then becomes built upon the foundation of others.  Because they, themselves lack foundation, they go on to become great manufacturers.  And they manufacture EVERYTHING--including (but definitely not limited to)... the truth. 

So one may then pose the question...why...if you have two people who come from similar backgrounds of neglect does one go on to be an investor and the other a spender?  I can only speak for myself, but somewhere down inside of me, I knew that the examples I was given during childhood were not quite right.  I felt a deep sense of discontentment and discomfort in a lot of things I witnessed, the way things were done, and places I would find myself.  I had my "teenage" stint in spending...and it served my purpose for a while...but I was always aware that those fleeting experiences I would lie, cheat, and steal for either always landed me in punishment or back to square one.  I was very aware that I was living hard and going nowhere.  Yeah..it was FUN, while it lasted....but as young and reckless as I was, I really did know how completely WASTEFUL it was.  I wanted what I wanted and I went to whatever extreme...AND EXPENSE to get it, but pretty soon, my reconciliation statement became pretty unbalanced.  A whole bunch of expenditures, and absolutely no dividends.  I was grounded more than I was free, I was worried more than I was at peace, I was living in fear of being "found out"...and more importantly, I was manifesting that same discontentment and discomfort that others manufactured in my own life at my own will.  I think it is just a matter of emotional intelligence--when you can readily recognize that what you are doing IS or is NOT who you are and the feelings and bodily sensations associated with whatever it is that you are doing, have done, or are thinking of doing just feel complimentary or contrasting in nature.  There is a palpable feeling of completeness when your thoughts, your intentions, your motivations, and your actions are in line with your core essence.  It just feels right.

SO then, another question would be posed about whether or not a typical spender really even feels this "spending remorse."  THAT I cannot answer.  I only know that my time spent was the result of immature and selfish experimentation.  There is a LOT of scientific documentation out there that supports the fact that the mind is more powerful than the body--so much so,  that you can alter bodily responses and capabilities with a mere thought.  It is also documented that the mind can, in fact, rewire the brain...it can convince the physical into anything it wants to believe especially if these thoughts then develop into patterns.  So, the jury is out on that one.  I guess people only know what they themselves feel and if what they feel is in line with their intentions, then I suppose it is "normal" for each individual...however, I believe to the core of who I am that there are no good/bad people...I think it is more complex than that.  I do, however, believe that there are two opposing, yet equally as powerful energies that are grounded in one of  these two archetypes.

You would think that this investment mentality would land someone steeped in it into a life of chronic planning...however, the opposite is true.  The more calculated a planner, the more calculating the mind.  I tend to not make plans EVER.  I am really bad at sticking to them.  This doesn't make me disorganized, it just means that I don't have the need to externally organize all that much. My self-discipline is integrated into my person...it is not a separate process.   I'm very aware of the value of my time and effort...that is all I need.   I live in the moment and think what the moment calls for me to think and do what it calls for me to do.  My biggest nightmare is being asked "so what do you do for fun? --or--  how do you spend your free time?  It isn't really a couple-sentence or few-word reply, I am afraid.  It may appear complex, but it is very, very simple.  I AM...I am not DO or THINK...although it is argued that if you think you are this or that...that you are this or that...and this is where the mind removes itself from wholeness. Once you entertain that thought with your time, you become locked in it and you become a slave to your mind.  If I must conjure up a short and very basic answer to those questions above, it would be that I lead my life following where it leads.  And let's face it, NOBODY wants to hear that...!!!!  And that is ok...because I am now aware how just a simple question can lead one to some pretty profound revelations.

Seven Deadly Sins:
1.  Wealth without work.
2.  Pleasure without conscience.
3.  Science without humanity.
4.  Knowledge without character. 
5.  Politics without principle.
6.  Commerce without morality.
7.  Worship without sacrifice. 
~Mahatma Gandhi

"A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone."~Henry David Thoreau.

"Those born to wealth and who have the means of gratifying every wish, know not what is the real happiness of life--just as those who have been tossed on the stormy waters of the ocean on a few frail planks can alone realize the blessings of fair weather."~Alexandre Dumas.

"Wealth is the slave to a wise man.  The master of a fool."~Seneca quote.

The End. 
 

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