Good morning friends!! It has been such a LONG time since I've jumped on here to write. I've not done much writing at all as of late. This winter has not been the kindest to me--and by the looks of the South this morning, there won't be any jabs at anyone residing here in Western NY about how it is 65 and sunny there while we are thawing frozen pipes, digging our vehicles out, and paying the fuel companies most of our earnings to keep warm..lol. Life does have its way of humbling us all at the most inopportune times, and I guess the trick is to just accept it, roll with it, and keep our complaints at a minimum, because what we throw out there in thought, intention, and deed ALWAYS comes back to us.
I've kept myself quiet for the most part about the immense struggle I've been through on here because I wanted to wait until I was (at least) on the path to rising above it. It has taken quite a while, as the cascading nature of "Murphy's Law" principles haven't given me any choice but to commit my every moment, every penny, every bit of positive thinking and energy to their attendance and it has been.....EXHAUSTING.
The most important thing to note about all of it is that it was all so fragmented and scattered, but how it affected me was the same. Every problem I encountered and every solution to every problem--COST me something I didn't have and stressed me out to the point where I thought I was going to break. For the first time, I seriously considered putting my home on the market..but knew deep down that this would be "giving up" and "running away"---and so I didn't do that.
Being one of considerable depth, and knowing that there was some sort of message this was all trying to send to me, I couldn't help but wonder what it all meant...It almost felt as if the house was fighting me and it had pinned itself against me...my sanctuary was beginning to look and feel more and more like my greatest nemesis. Realistically, I knew this probably wasn't the case, but WHY then is my place of peace and comfort now the place I dread being. I began to notice that work now seemed to be where I felt my best, where I felt the most confident, where I had no worry in the world except what was right before me that moment...and I KNEW how to deal with that. I felt important, empowered, and my smile came easy...I felt in my ELEMENT there. The moment I got into my car to come back home...panic, tears, agony,& heartbreak.
It had been MONTHS of struggle there...first...a tenant who turned my beloved rental unit into a pit-stop and an unsupervised dog kennel and hoarded trash like her life depended upon it--as I housed her for 2-1/2 months for free (because I guess she felt she didn't really NEED to pay rent) as I was going through the legal channels to evict her. All of the damage, a complete dumpster full of trash left behind, carpeting that had to be torn out and replaced--all new paint...and then it sat empty for the next 4 months...all of that income, the money I spent to get it back into "rentable condition"...Then, a wonderful tenant prospect...planning on occupying as of Feb 1 of this year..comes to bring some stuff and show the place to her mom and her son...opens the bedroom door and leaves it ajar THE DAY we had the 30-below-zero with high winds something told me at 2:30 a.m. to go over and check the place...to find the door wide open...and everything COMPLETELY FROZEN, icicles formed on all of the faucets...blew a hot water line in the bathroom and one of my heat zone lines...which then blew the aquastat on my boiler and ruined the zone switch to the holding tank. The zone switch malfunction was only discovered when it overheated because it was stuck open, and so the pressure release (THANK GOD THAT OPERATED CORRECTLY) blew steaming hot water into my basement, flooding it. All of this then drained my propane supply, so I had to order more with the money that my "tenant" had given me toward her first month's rent so that she would have heat when she moved in. After all of this, I get a phone call from her stating she cannot move in because she lost her job!! It took 18 hours with 4 electric heaters and the furnace to heat that apartment to 50 degrees...so we won't even talk about my electric bill!! So this will give you somewhat of an idea of what my year had been like..lol.
So from about June of 2013, I had been focused on getting an additional job--had a couple of interviews, neither hired me. Then there was a dry spell where there were none listed that I would be qualified for. It just seemed as if the cards were completely stacked against me...and for the first time in my life, I was humbled to the point of degradation and I HATED myself. I felt like the biggest failure. How......did my life....that I had completely together at one point...completely fall apart like this? HOW did I allow this to happen? When was the last time I could honestly say that I felt confident in my ability to rise above my circumstances with determination and grace? Sad and quite surprising to me was the answer...it had been probably about 14 years ago. These problems did NOT crop up all at once and overnight....they only escalated over time--changing as my circumstances changed and my life changed around them...touching on every little thing I thought I could depend upon, until FINALLY, there was nothing I could depend upon but ME. Sure, I could probably sell my house and start over somewhere else...fresh starts...they all seem so inviting when you are escaping consequence and struggle. I am a firm believer that changing the scenery around us only pacifies a deeper change that needs to take place INSIDE of us. We will relive the same scenarios over and over again until we face what it is about ourselves that attracts this type of thing and begin to understand the dynamics of our very own self-sabotage.
I shared all of this personal information with you because I needed everyone to truly understand that I understand the levels of darkness one can experience and how much damage negative circumstance can have upon the spirit of one with the purest of intention--how it just seems that no matter how hard you try, you just cannot get past yourself and you are left sitting alone wondering how and why this is all happening to you. I've been scared to death for most of my adult life and never even realized it. I've sought out a "comfortable" life...not really wishing for anything more than the financial ability to pay my bills and maybe have a little bit left over to plant some flowers, have some gas for my lawn-mower and maybe a drink/dinner out once a month. I've never had any aspirations of great wealth...because with great wealth comes greater worry!! <----nail on the head....I've been deliberately patterning my life around what I believed to be the easiest, less worrisome path. Comfort...yeah, it's not all that it is cracked up to be. Part of it comes from modesty, I suppose...and the one thing that I have going for me (the thing that ALWAYS sees me through EVERYTHING) is my intention. I am not out to hurt anyone and I do have a sense of integrity. However, I have no problem hurting myself....as long as I am "comfortable" doing it--and the problem is...I had become COMPLETELY comfortable with that. I will guard my integrity from EVERYONE but myself.
I have to say with the utmost confidence and belief that the universe (God, or a higher energy) has FORCED this revelation out of me at rock bottom. Seems I've had a LOT of those---but each of them really feels like the end of the world (many deaths). Half of a lifetime of a subconscious attitude spinning around inside of me unnoticed is enough!!
What changed my life forever:
1). Listening to my gut even when I wasn't sure of the point it was trying to make.
2). NOT taking the easy way out, running away, escaping the discomfort of untoward circumstance.
3). Opening my mind just enough to view the possibilities--even if they felt unreachable.
4). Setting steadfast goals...so I always knew what it was that I was ultimately reaching for, even when obstacles would place themselves between them and myself--I could still see my way AROUND them, even if the path through or above them was blocked at the time.
5). KNOWING my potential.
6). Fixative focus is detrimental..... Awareness is most healthy.
7). Fragmentation feeds fixation. Problems come in all shapes and sizes..and an onslaught of them may give them a fragmented appearance...as if one doesn't have anything to do with another....DON'T BE FOOLED. There is ONE solution to ALL of them...so don't chase your tail too long in one direction trying to solve one, because if you do this, you will waste precious time, and the next problem you try to solve in this manner will have you spinning in a totally different direction and you will undoubtedly trip over the one you THOUGHT you solved the first time around in that different direction. THEY all lead to one solution...find it--inside.
So, with all of this being said, I am most proud to proclaim that my circumstances and my entire LIFE has changed....and all it took...was a commitment to a risk....that's right...a RISK. I had gotten to the point where I had nothing left to lose and everything to gain by this ONE idea...and it was an idea bred of my potential, my gut, my awareness, and my goals. Because I was locked up on "fragmenting" and "fixating" upon every little thing as if it needed my undivided attention and it had it's very own solution, I discovered that everything I was trying to do to better my situation was for the WRONG reasons--it was just to pacify, to comfort, to relieve stress---AND alleviate worry. Not only was I taking a fragmented attitude to my problems, I was also looking at myself in this manner...my talents, gifts, interests...I looked at all of those as "each to their own" and this then confused me regarding what I was destined to do here. At different points in my life, there were differing areas of focus: I was convinced that getting an education in counseling was my key...and then it was becoming a published writer, then it was opening a soup and sandwich/coffee shop, then it was something different. So many interests, such diversified talents...
Just as there is one solution to all of our problems, there is one specific area that encompasses ALL of your inclination, your talent, and your gifts in moving forward to our steadfast and ultimate goal---to live a life of purpose---and problems and purpose are akin one to the other. I've finally found mine. The greatest thing about this is, I haven't even begun this venture yet (aside from the planning stages) and just the intention to start a business and saying it out loud...and then actively researching it and planning it has made a significant change in my life. I've realized how minimal the start-up costs would be, how it will feed my creative hunger and will utilize every single thing I feel I have to offer. My financial situation changed for the better--literally overnight with NO work from me at all...it was as if the cards were finally stacking up in my favor. I could just FEEL the change in the air, my attitude, the atmosphere as a whole. My INTENTION toward my DESTINY was all it took...believe it or not. There is SUCH truth to this. It was as if the universe just said...."there ya go....FINALLY....and to prove to you that this is the right choice, above and beyond what YOU already know and feel, I'm going to give you some stepping stones to replace those stumbling blocks."
SOOOO.. I know this is a VERY long and windy post people...but my point is this:
NO matter how hard things get..if your gut is telling you that an "out" you are considering is a "no-go"...listen to it, EVEN if it costs you a little more time, money, stress, worry...etc...Rome wasn't built in a day...be patient and continue to LISTEN. Side note: Did you know that Michelangelo was NOT a painter? He was a sculptor...though he accepted the commission to paint the Sistine Chapel even when he really didn't "want" to or even worse, felt that he didn't have the talent to do so...and it cost him YEARS of turmoil and drastic health problems...but he FINISHED it, and aside from his sculpture of "David"...it is the most recognized and heralded of ALL of his works--and in my opinion...the most beautiful. There IS a hidden destiny within you...when you find it, you WILL know it. JUST the recognition and acceptance of it will CHANGE YOUR LIFE and you will find you are being assisted in that direction without any action on your behalf. You will also find that the best parts of you will be highlighted in it...WIN/WIN!!
Also, you will find your focus turn from the "outcome" to the journey...you will find unmatched excitement in the PROCESS and every time that little voice chimes in attempting to sway your thoughts and dampen your enthusiasm with with its "fatalistic potential for failure" rant...your spirit steps in front of it reminding it that the only potential you are focused upon is YOUR OWN and you are so in tune with now that tomorrow doesn't even warrant consideration--AND if you were to even entertain it, it is met with..."I don't even care...nothing ventured, nothing gained...no reward without risk. <----this alone reinforces a major change in me. Growth is encountered within the process....the outcome is nothing but validation that growth in a specific area has occurred--and it is really more for the benefit of onlookers than it is for you. YOU know if you are growing or have grown and you are clear about the direction(s) of your growth. You don't need a SPECIFIC outcome to dictate this. One journey leads to another, and then another...but you can be sure that all of them are leading you in the direction of what is best for you.
I'm not going to get into the specifics of my venture here with words....but I will take you along on my journey as it tangibly unfolds.
As always...my very best to you, the ones you love and that love you...and take good care of yourselves. You are your own ship, sail, and rudder...you are your own wind, sun, and tide...make your journey count!!
Much love,
Raina <3
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