Years add wisdom, difficulties build strength, love moves mountains, tears nourish growth, dreams reveal purpose, character buries superficiality...Truth IS.

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Easter Message

Good Morning Family!!

Just a quick stop here this morning to share with you, a beautiful prayer composition by Max Ehrmann (most known for his poem, Desiderata), that was recited at a memorial service that I attended yesterday.  Amid the deep sentiment a service such as this emotes in and of itself throughout all who attend, this poem, read at its conclusion, so deeply resonated within me that I felt every letter of every word of every stanza--the sentiment it conveyed completely overtook me.  I couldn't help as well, to feel that if I were ever so blessed to be so very intimately connected to this gift of prose as the author of it, I could have authored it myself.  It embodies a system of checks and balances bound to my innermost beliefs and therefore, sent my spirit tearfully melting out of my chair into the floor.  The message it contains is one suited so well to the traits of a most wholesome and humble character.  On this Easter Sunday, I would like to share it with all of you who come by to read.  May the sentiment of these words be that of your life's mission statement and may God bless and keep you on your journey.

A PRAYER
By Max Ehrmann

Let me do my work each day;
And if the darkened hours of despair overcome me,
May I not forget the strength that comforted me
In the desolation of other times.
May I still remember the bright hours that found me
Walking over the silent hills of my childhood,
Or dreaming on the margin of a quiet river,
When a light glowed within me,
And I promised my early God to have courage
Amid the tempests of the changing years.
Spare me from bitterness
And from the sharp passions of unguarded moments.
May I not forget that poverty and riches are of the spirit.
Though the world know me not,
May my thoughts and actions be such
As shall keep me friendly with myself.
Lift my eyes from the earth,
And let me not forget the uses of the stars.
Forbid that I should judge others,
Lest I condemn myself.
Let me not follow in the clamor of the world,
But walk calmly in my path.
Give me a few good friends who will love me for what I am;
And keep ever burning before my vagrant steps
The kindly light of hope.
And though age and infirmity overtake me,
And I come not within the sight of the castle of my dreams,
Teach me to be thankful for life,
And for the time's olden memories that are good and sweet;
And may the evening's twilight find me gentle still.


Friday, March 29, 2013

"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may..."

Good Morning Family!!

I decided that I would post today...being Good (or Holy) Friday.  Because of the "height-range" of my thoughts and beliefs, I simply cannot limit myself to one set of principles/teachings/or any specific reverence quotient as it/they refer to "God"--I do; however, find it quite apropos to celebrate this year alongside my Christian family due to the fateful correlative time-frame of my very own spiritual resurrection.

As you all know, as I have made sure that you do...I have received much wise counsel and clear insight into myself and my work from a voice of the ages which has served to breathe new life into me, and therefore, my work.  This voice then went on to acquaint me with another who then sought to critique the work of the first---who served me up a heaping dish of EPIPHANY.  I'm not even gonna go into any explanation about that because you probably wouldn't believe it if you had been there to experience it yourself...but that is the way of mystery, I suppose.  Since my recent introduction to myself (as a writer) by these masters of prose, I have satirically declared myself  an honorary member of the "Dead Poets Society"--AND we will just leave THAT.... right there!

So in the spirit of resurrected spirit, I would like to share with you a piece I composed that will appear within the introduction of my (yet untitled & unfinished) book.  I feel it proper to let you know that this piece was begun as a completely separate endeavor from the book, though with my recent induction to the Dead Poets Society, I felt rather inclined to revisit its (also yet unfinished) content.  As I skimmed the text, the last few verses added themselves, and much to my surprise, I found it to be a very concise introduction AND summation of my book!!!  The melodic and poetic nature of this piece adds a certain je ne sais quoi to the entire project...from beginning to end,  Who would have known??  So.... without further adieu:

VOYAGE

As I walk across this stage of life my lines become a blur,
Between the points of now and then, the known and the obscure.

I travel on in search of all that’s real and true of love,
Between the points of if and when, of under and above.

I've found myself upon the lane of lonely and self-doubt,
Betwixt the bridge of why/why not, of with and of without.

Across this bridge, I dove into the sea of guilt and shame,
And swam across the channel of the difference and the same.

I've crawled upon the island of lonely and despair,
And wandered paths of unknown space that crossed from here to there.

I've climbed atop a mountain and gained a clearer view,
Of the intersecting trails of how to think and what to do.

I've found myself in places where my only sense was sight,
And felt the most engulfing peace in the darkness mixed with light.

I’ve walked a thinning tightrope between right and what seemed wrong,
And asked myself repeatedly, “Am I weak or am I strong?”

I’ve come upon the intersect of Promise Street and Dread,
Where the street light blinks relentlessly--“To Lead or To Be Led.”

I know that all these differences somehow hold the key,
To unlock all the sameness that resides in you and me.

And in this space of boundless grace, we each for all abide.
Lay silent in the deepest place where think and feel collide.

This place is called “Acceptance” where love does never cease
It is the sum of all above…that road to inner peace.

And once alas we do arrive, we can then reconcile--
The reasons why we so deprived ourselves in our exile.

The lines once gauging difference there, here slowly disappear.
And joy then comes to infiltrate that space closed off in fear.

So now I stand upon this stage and wisdom can now reason
There is a time for everything, and to everything its season.

Copyright © 2012 R.A. Keller.  All Rights Reserved.


Today, I hope that you will know freedom, peace, and grace;
Until next time...we meet again,
In our sacred gathering place.

Please now take a moment to visit the URL posted below--.
http://youtu.be/veYR3ZC9wMQ

...and that's a wrap!
Raina

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Ode to Longinus

Good morning again.

Well....since my last post, I have been busy doing research on literary agents--reading their profiles, going over interviews, and getting a feel for what they look for in a pitch letter...or in literary speak...query letter.  Ah-ha...see ya learn things when you study!!  I've also fallen upon a treatise (or in layman's terms) dissertation written by a literary critic who has been proposed to have lived in the first to third century AD entitled "On The Sublime" by a man called Longinus (though his real name was never known).  I must say, that I am pretty sure that now is the time to be doing all of this...because as I was reading his critique of Homer, Demetrius, Aristotle <---now those are some literary GIANTS right there....and right up my alley--I saw myself in what he termed "the sublime" as an author.  I have mentioned here that I won't post (or work on my book) if I have to get all "heady" about any point I'm attempting to make.  Once I start reaching for a concept, words, or explanations, and I begin over-thinking....game over, because I know it's not coming from the right place.  I mean sure, I could probably invent most anything in my lofty mind and vivid imagination, and allow those complexities to dictate, but there is something very unnatural feeling about that..it feels forced and full of pretense.  <----A fiction writer, I am not.

As I delved further into this concept of literary sublimity (as it relates to the author), I recalled my first year in college composition, whereby I was given a step-by-step reference outline by my professor which was intended to help the students learn how to compose a technically-correct essay.  It was to be constructed something like this:
I.  Title, which should be the primary idea of the paper.
II.  Thesis statement, the purpose of the paper and the point you plan to prove.
III.  Concrete detail (facts) and commentary (your opinion) that help to prove the thesis--which usually takes up about 3-4 pointed paragraphs.
IV.  Conclusion...a reiteration of the thesis (though stated differently) to wrap it up.

Looks pretty simple, right?  I mean there's the formula....now GO!!  Ummm....me, not so much.  I FROZE.  I became completely confused.  I could NOT wrap my head around ANY of it.  I had been writing for most of my life and now, in a class where I thought I could maybe polish my talent, learn some things of benefit in furthering this passion forward...and at onset, I felt completely lost.  I remember thinking to myself  "here I thought I was a writer and now I don't think I have the foggiest idea what the hell I have been doing...because it ISN'T this!!"  I AGONIZED over this first paper I was to write, trying to use this formula to produce what was assigned.  Many private consults with my professor would then ensue relentlessly explaining to her that I just didn't have any idea what she expected of me, or how to even wrap my head around this "USING a formula to write a paper."  I clearly remember her getting more than a little irritated with my obvious and redundant ignorance and then... my inability to find the words to give reason to why I had such a problem with it.  She ended those visits by stating  "all I can say to you...is just do the best you can."  So with deadline looming-- the night before with 5 pages of STILL unconceived essay due the next day, I had no choice but to push that "formula" aside and do it the way I had become accustomed.   I conjured up an idea, put it to paper...5 pages...DONE, turned in, one stress alleviated.

The day we received our essays back in class, she explained that not all of them had been graded, so if some of us didn't get ours back, this was the reason--no biggie.  They were in a pile on her desk and we were to go through them and find ours and take it.  I came back empty-handed....though as I gazed around the classroom, it seemed that I was the ONLY one who hadn't gotten mine back...and panic set in, I began to sweat, my heart began racing, and the initial agony that I had experienced trying to understand what she expected of me before I wrote the essay seemed like nothing compared to the sheer terror I was feeling now, as I couldn't help but think..."I bombed it...it's that simple, there could be no other explanation for this."...My heart then began to sink as I suffered with the realization that what I thought I had been doing all these years was not "writing"...it was just nothing.  Worse than that...I had attached my entire being and purpose to this pen-to-paper, or fingers-to-keys...and now, I sit in this sinking feeling that I had completely disillusioned myself...and now add embarrassment, humiliation, and just wanting to run out of that classroom and never go back.  I sat there the entire class steeping in my failure, red-faced, sweaty-palmed, and mind racing.  The seat-time came and went without barely a notice from me.  I just wanted out.  I believe that I was not only the FIRST person to realize class was dismissed, but I think I actually prophesied the precise moment of its ending.  I grabbed my books, and began heading for the door with the rest of my classmates  behind me...when she raised her voice and spoke "Ms. (real name inserted here)!" I FROZE...my shoulders sank, any moisture in my mouth completely evaporated, and my knees felt suddenly unable to support the heaviness of my body.  "Ms. ________, do you have a minute?"  My eyes closed, my face turned upward toward the ceiling....the feeling of deflation surrender I felt was something I'd never felt before, nor since.  I spun around slowly as all of my classmates passed around me to leave, and said "yes ma'am, I do."  "Please come here and take a seat, I'd like to speak to you about your essay."  As I approached the chair, (I can still bring to the surface that palpable feeling of complete defeat).  She began to talk...I didn't know if I wanted to listen or if I even could at that point...here it comes...."You are one EXCELLENT writer, little girl--here is your paper.  I wanted to give it to you personally because I knew how anxious you were about understanding the technical aspects of writing an essay, and I see that you figured it out."  I wanted to just faint!!  Wait a minute, did I just hear what I thought I heard....I was ELATED and COMPLETELY DUMBFOUNDED at the same time.  I confessed..."I didn't use the outline, I threw it aside and just wrote the paper the way I would write it in order to just get it done."  She then retrieved a copy of the technical outline, set it against my essay...and much to my surprise...ALL OF THOSE TECHNICAL ELEMENTS were contained within it.  <----THIS is the epitome of "The Sublime" in which Longinus speaks in his "critique dissertation"--it is a KNOWING that cannot be taught...and it is what he deems to be a most prolific substance contained within certain writers which somehow mysteriously propels them to "write for antiquity."  Below are some excerpts from "On the Sublime" that took me back to this college comp incident.

[The first question which presents itself for solution is whether there is any art which can teach sublimity or loftiness in writing. For some hold generally that there is mere delusion in attempting to reduce such subjects to technical rules. “The Sublime,” they tell us, “is born in a man, and not to be acquired by instruction; genius is the only master who can teach it. The vigorous products of nature” (such is their view) “are weakened and in every respect debased, when robbed of their flesh and blood by frigid technicalities.” 2But I maintain that the truth can be shown to stand otherwise in this matter. Let us look at the case in this way; Nature in her loftier and more passionate moods, while detesting all appearance of restraint, is not 4wont to show herself utterly wayward and reckless; and though in all cases the vital informing principle is derived from her, yet to determine the right degree and the right moment, and to contribute the precision of practice and experience, is the peculiar province of scientific method.

Then, again (and this is the most important point of all), a writer can only learn from art when he is to abandon himself to the direction of his genius.]

There are many more points made in this dissertation that make me feel supported and understood in what I have always perceived to be "writing."  They illuminated some of the mystery for me as well as lit that fire under my butt to stop being my own worst critic, to stop worrying so much about "polish,"and to love and embrace my innate proclivity toward "lofty thought"-- and with reckless abandon, allow it to take me where it will, ignite my intellect which waits to be beckoned and trust that these two elements of my gift will not lead me down an ungrounded path but intrinsically work with one another to rather potentiate the work to it's own perfection...not my image of it.  Moreover, it is so fitting and so true to form that I would receive such wisdom from a since extinguished physical presence, but a voice everlasting through literature.  

MY REVELATION:  What this ancient literary inscription provided to me was the reason why this technical formula so confounded me when it was to "come before."  It was asking me to UNLEARN everything I already knew, but had NEVER BEEN TAUGHT and then reteach it to me backwards!!  The only time "headiness" comes into the picture for me is during revision.  During my intent to write, my first consideration is destination.  However, while engaged in the process, it seems effortless as the concept of "destination" becomes a rather loose and non-fixated component, as I (unbeknownst to myself) grant the direction freedom to unfold to eventually find me there.  "Thinking" it into existence doesn't work for me.  When I'm finished, I then take time to look over my transitions, use of language, and scan for polished streamline final product--and usually with only a few "tweaks" in arrangement and delivery, much to my surprise-- it is already in there.  What I find is that it flows, ties together, and that "knot" it creates is the end to the beginning.  So Longinus (or whatever your real name is)...From the inside, outside, top and bottom of my heart...I thank you.   I would have joyfully chucked any promise made to me by any modern-day educational institution guaranteeing my success in the world of writing literature to have been born in a time where I could  be in the same room with you, listening to you speak these words now set to paper while experiencing the presence and exuberant passion behind them.  Thank God for books and those treasures buried deep inside of them that stand the test of time!!

So on I trudge into a most epic adventure in the literary world.  The only baggage I pack for my journey is a lighter sense of dignity and belief in my voice.  I've done away with all of the heavy, hard to carry stuff, such as the mental downplay of my abilities and attitude of self-defeat.  As I believe that we, ourselves, bring about the manifestation of our most pure and contributory intentions---my book will be on shelves within the next two years.  I hope you will extend the irreplaceable gift of your readership to it, and that you will receive it back ten-thousand times. 

As Always...my best to you.

Friday, March 15, 2013

The Compelling Characteristic of Disenchantment

"Disenchantment, whether it is a minor disappointment or a major shock, is the signal that things are moving into transition in our lives."~ William Throsby Bridges.

Hello readers!!

I opened my post this morning with the above quote, as it was shared with me a few days ago (in a shorter version)...but more wordy or less...the same idea.  It got me thinking (as if EVERYTHING doesn't do that..lol).

In some of my past posts, I have briefly eluded to a book I've been working on...and how pain-staking it has been for me.  I noted that it seems that I grow beyond my words and that what was spoken yesterday, in some manner or another seem irrelevant today.  However, as one person who knows the struggle it has been for me to match content with context read it, he said "You always have to keep in mind (my given name inserted here)...that your "yesterday" could very well be someone else's today or tomorrow.  You are a very high-minded individual, yet, you have a great capacity for very grounded dialect.  This appeals to people.  Everyone,whether they recognize it or not, is striving to grow and improve.  The words you write come from a life you've lived, which automatically lends you credibility, which any successful author will tell you and any publishing house will back up is THE key.  Right off the bat, your personality, what is important to you, and why it is important to you shines through...don't be so hard on yourself...take a chance...you may be more than pleasantly surprised."

And so this life-long gentle nudging has built up to a prodding, bugging, every-day "work on the book."  "What are you doing with the book?"  "Wouldn't you feel completely crushed if this was your only chance to live your dream, and you missed it because you were too damn busy disbelieving in yourself and talking yourself out of it?"  "Remember how you LIVE your life...in a manner that when you die, you have no regrets?"  "Who cares if others don't believe in you or your abilities."  "What would happen if you did, didn't---if you failed or succeeded?"  <----ALL of THIS has become a RAGING war inside, coupled with the disenchantment I experience with the daily realities of my life.  This is NOT the life I had even remotely envisioned myself living.  I envisioned my life revolving around my purpose FOR it--not the drudgery of being a minion for anyone else's.   I am now receiving "hints" from the universe (laugh if you feel the need)---which are all too VERY familiar.  Those little "uncomfortable thingies" that tell me.."time to leave this" or "initiate that" or "take charge now, or suffer the fallout of someone else doing it FOR you...because whether  you resist OR comply...it is going to happen...you are only prolonging the inevitable."--AND "how many times must you be tested and always rebel due to weakness and lack of trust in yourself and your abilities only to suffer the consequence of learning the hard way?"  "It is much easier to fall upon a cushion than it is the concrete."  "Don't wait until you have to FIRST put the pieces back together once again before you can move forward...there is an open road in front of you...stop waiting for the crash...and just DRIVE!!!"  "Throw away this masochistic streak-once and for all--you have already proven your brute strength---NOW USE IT!!!!!"  Now tell me...how many of you have something like this going on?  No, I mean really?  Probably every one of us has this to some extent, don't we?

SO....I contacted my nephew (whom I have spoken to before about helping out a little bit with this book thing..lol).  Because I am a patient person...and it has been a work in progress for SO very long already, I noted to him that I really have no time line...as I know nothing ever happens until its time anyway.  This young man is so very bright and has worked as an editor...knows some ins and outs of the business...and is willing (God LOVE him) to coach me along somewhat, but advised that I procure a literary agent.  WOW!!  Like I said to him "that all sounds so involved and professional."  I had done some research in self-publishing..ebook in Kindle format with Amazon and threw that idea out to him...but I don't think he shared my enthusiasm...as the literary agent suggestion was his response to that query.

So now...I am on the search for this literary agent...though, I am making this all background noise for now--until he mulls over my ramblings and gives me his professional opinion of what I am actually accomplishing here versus what I am trying to accomplish--and how "far out" or "cohesive" my style is to the points I am trying to make.  I am not that haughty to believe on my own that I have a product that is worth picking up.  I will rely on the professionals to lend me critique...and go from there.

So I guess my message is....heed that voice of nuance...the one that whispers beneath the louder opinion of yourself, your limited view of yourself...and take these moments of disenchantment you experience and allow them to instruct you.  Envision what success---NOT THE ROAD TO IT...will feel like, smell like, taste like...how it will change your life, how you feel about yourself, and what you will do with these changes and what these changes will do FOR you.  Make it REAL...and then check the response your body has to this belief.  Does it feel less tense, less anxious, less bothered.  Is the dread replaced by excitement...and the doubt replaced by fearlessness?  Is there a voice that now says "If I could do THAT...then I can do just about anything?"  This is the vision I have of an  "exorcism"....where the "spirit of the Lord COMPELS you."  We all have a choice...we could allow disenchantment beat us down further...or we could utilize it to compel us to climb.

Anyone have any suggestions for some good climbin' shoes?

My best to you always.




  

Saturday, March 9, 2013

"This Is To Be My Symphony"

Good Morning everyone!!!

Wow...I am ending a 5-day procrastination bent today as I am greeted this morning with the most beautiful sunny morning!!  Downfall of living in the Northeastern part of the states...seasonal depression!!  No matter how damn happy you seem to be going into winter, (as fall is my favorite season) you ALWAYS end up feeling somewhat detained if not completely imprisoned toward the end of it.  About this time of year though, we Nor-easterners feel obligated to help spring along a bit by doing things that probably should be done in May...lol...but we get that damn itch!!  We've been locked up inside & forced to readjust our lives to fit within a 9-10-hour block of daylight each day...it is futile!!  Nature always wins--Ha!

As you could probably assume...and maybe you don't really care all that much--if at all..I read A LOT during the winter season.  I gather information like animals gather food to get through it.  If the body is sedentary, the mind needs fuel!

I sent the forward to my book to a friend the other day, as she had posted on FB a status that got quite a bit of interest and created the thread of my dreams!!  <---well, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration.  Thought I will say, it was quite refreshing to see someone else post their thoughts about "life" and to see that she suffered the same frustration when it came to expressing them to others without it leading to some sort of issue of debate. My biggest frustration is that the spoken/written language, as advanced and versatile as it is seems to be is really SO very limited (and limit-ING) when attempting to explain things of deeper meaning.  Those pesky language-elusive truths and anomalies of character--which I now to believe are meant to be "only for display."  Words just don't come close to paying homage to anything meaningful and try and try as we might to assign them, we always fall short.

It is my belief that in this world of "hurry up and wait" and "keeping up with the Jones'" and all of these new and shining gadgets of imperial technology, we have completely lost the most important part of our communication skills.....READING them.  It isn't about the description...it is about the display.  Technology has made "language" the foundation of all that is.  Every computer has a "language"...and every one of these devices has a "code" and more often than not...they require the use of  letters, words, & numbers to effectively use them.  Where does this leave the "unspoken language?"  I'm waiting for the first wedding to use cell-phone texting as a manner to recite vows to one another...go ahead and laugh...but it IS coming to this.

As I STRUGGLE to explain who I am, why I am the way I am, and why it is SO important to be to stay true to this essence I know so well....I stumble upon this excerpted writing.....though even in its strikingly true to ME "description", there is still a broader enigmatic force inside of me that begs to be recognized.  However, when I read this....I recognized right away a subtle bridged gap between the written word and how I know myself to view things and how my life is patterned around this view...it isn't complete by any means, but it at least gives me hope that one day, I will too be able to at least get closer to easing my frustration.  Please read on:

To live content with small means;
to seek elegance rather than luxury,
and refinement rather than fashion;
to be worthy, not respectable...and wealthy, not rich;
to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly;
to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages with open heart;
to bear all cheerfully,
do all bravely,
await occasions,
hurry never;
in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden, and unconscious
grow up through the common.
This is to be my symphony~ William Ellery/Henry Channing.

I can read this and find this expression in any number of my posts on here, in the book I am writing, my thoughts, my actions, and the words I speak.  At the end...."In a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden, and unconscious grow up through the common"  THIS is what we need...this is what we have lost...this is why there is so much misunderstanding.  Common is just common...and EVERYONE is falling all over themselves to achieve it...very few seek to be above or set themselves apart from commonality, therefore, it is barely, if at all recognized in themselves or others.

At times, I feel encased by perpetual winter...being closed in and limited, only having a few precious hours of daylight....though most of those gloomy, cold, and wet--having to take extra care to travel safely, cover up adequately to protect myself from the elements and limiting myself to the outside to avoid the discomforting chill.  However...I also realize that there is nothing out there that can compare to that which I've come to know and live by.  I wouldn't change a thing about myself, even if it meant never again being lonely, bored, or having to struggle.  I prize that display of  language which I've enabled myself learn within myself and read in others.  I believe that my education in this life has been a treasure and there is something deep down inside that reminds me often of this--despite circumstance.

I think this is why the sunshine, sounds of nature, signs of life, palette of various colors, and warmer temperatures lift my spirit so much.  The outside becomes cohesive with the inside.  The bond I've forged with nature is the ultimate bond.  It moves beyond attachment, has no need for words in exchange, and is complete in itself.  It is the epitome of refinement, elegance, and meaning.

Much love to all!!

Heralding the arrival of spring!!






Monday, March 4, 2013

Development of the Ultimate Peace Treaty

Good morning everyone.

Well, we are in the first week of March and everyone around our area is more than ready for spring.  It has been a case of textbook winter around here for sure.  Last year, I remember strolling out onto my porch throughout the winter season, enjoying 50-60 degree days, taking snapshots of the flowers that continued to bloom in my garden..no such luck this year!!  I think we have more than made up for the low water table that last year's winter created this year, and as I look out my window...it's still coming down!!  I've found it best to just accept every day for what it offers you and make the best of it.  Yeah...I daydream of waking to birds singing, curtains billowing with a soft, fragrant breeze, the warmth of the sun on my skin as I begin preparing my flower beds and pots for planting and cleaning up the yard for mowing season...the smell of fresh-cut grass, and the ground-rumbling scraping sound of the snowplows tearing through the neighborhood to be replaced with the buzzing of weed-trimmers and lawn equipment just like everyone else, but I no longer spend the valuable time I have each day searching for that greener grass...instead, I go about my days knowing that it is what it is and spring WILL come...it always does.

Anything worth having is worth working for and through:
A.  I purchased a wood stove insert for my fireplace to turn an inefficient source of heat into an efficient one.  On  one hand...it is one of the best investments I've made, BUT it isn't without a lot of hard, heavy work, mess, and going out into freezing temperatures several times a day to bring the heat indoors.  However, this first burning season, my wood was completely free and I saved 1/2 of what I would have spent on propane to get through the winter--excellent way to kick off the first season using it..however, from here on out...it will have to be purchased...though STILL at a savings of what I would spend to heat the entire house with propane.  So, nothing is entirely free...you see, though I have already paid for this unit with the money saved in heating costs the first year using it!!  Was I sure of any of this when I made the decision to dole out the remainder of any savings I had to my name last fall?  No.  Purely a leap of faith....that manifested to answered prayer & a satisfied hope.

B.  This time last year, I was in fear of losing my home.  As I looked to the future, desperately searching for employment for 3 months, I saw no positive outcome--though one did arrive, no matter how much I tried to convince myself..it wasn't gonna happen and I sit here in the sanctity and solace of what I term "my sacred space" typing away in my blog, more than a year later with quite a different attitude.  I now can look back and say "it has NOT been easy...BUT, I've managed to care for, pay for, and maintain this place on my own for the past 2 years.  Many dollars, countless hours, much labor-intensive time...but she still stands...stronger than ever with one set of hands, one mind, and a heart completely enamored by her beauty and value.  It is a relationship I have going with this place...it isn't about real-estate value, or the love of the material...it is a series of give and take.  To me, everything I put into my home, she gives back.  For all of the active time spent cleaning, raking, mowing, and puttering around, and money spent, there is the quiet time spent smiling in my heart as I look at how she shines when she is pampered up a bit.  The saying "you get what you give" applies to inanimate objects as well...it is all about perspective.  When you throw ALL of yourself into something....anything...it becomes an inseparable part of you--yet another mirror...another manner for which to present yourself and for others to truly know you.  Having a "nice house" is not my thing..having a warm and welcoming home is.

C.  My tenants of 4 years in my attached 2-bedroom rental unit moved out last month.  My immediate response to the news that they were leaving---PANIC...and I'm talking like a switch--it was that fast.  My mind immediately went to how long it took each time it became vacant to get it occupied once again...at least a couple of months...it was winter...I am only working part-time and am dependent upon that income (even though half of it goes right back into the place during the winter months)...but still.  I wasted no time advertising it..on every venue I could possibly think of..other than the area newspaper--you get too many weed-outs that way, and I didn't have the time for that!!  The response was tremendous...my panic dissolved.  A young girl that I work with had been looking for a place...and I had mentioned a two-unit, completely remodeled inside and out place down the street from me...both beautiful places...a couple of months earlier.  She had gone to look at them and decided that she didn't want to drive all that way as her little boy was enrolled in school in the adjoining town where she also worked.  When my place came available, I didn't even think about mentioning it to her...because after all, it is even further away from town than the places she looked at... albeit, only a few houses--but that was her reason...so I figured she was out of the question.  She saw my advertisement and contacted me...came up and looked at it (while my tenants were still there) and immediately snapped it up.  Crisis #1 averted.  Onto crisis 2, 3, 4...etc... The tenants left the place a deplorable mess and the odor was just unbearable.  They left one of the doors wide open to the winter cold and used 10% of the propane that I PROVIDE in less than 8 hours (which is usually a weeks-worth).  She and I spent every free minute we had...along with my daughter over there cleaning, painting, repairing...and more than two weeks later...it is STILL a work in progress.  The damages were beyond normal wear and tear and I kept their security deposit...which doesn't even cover the cost of the repairs that need to be made, the time we spent intensely cleaning...to get it ready for even occupiable readiness.  There was the discovery when the priors turned off the electric that  #1.  They had run up quite a hefty bill with the electric company that made it a major pain in the ass for my new tenant to get it turned on in her name, as she had to send all kinds of proof that she wasn't turning it back on for THEM and #2.  That the boiler system and lights in the basement were wired into the rental's breaker box...oh joy!!  Another expense!!  Then...there was a water leak--and not a little one-- from the spigots of the washer hook-up AND the main shut offs to those were so corroded, they wouldn't turn either way...so both shut-offs had to be replaced as well as the spigots with new ones with a shut off there.  Then, as my tenant spent her first night there...she turned the light on in the bedroom and heard a loud "pop"...and she had no electricity in the bedroom or bathroom...the culprit...a completely damaged and broken outlet that just fell out when the cover was screwed off of it...and another headache.

Bear with me...I have a very good reason for rambling on about my recent trials and tribulations people---and here it is:  THROUGHOUT this entire time, I have depleted my money to the point of not having enough to make my March house payment...let alone the other half of my bills...I've doled out money as if I have an endless reservoir, AND have plans to spend more of this nonexistent resource...as if I do.  I have never felt so at peace and so unruffled by negative circumstance in my life.  The last time I felt the least bit stressed was when I got the news that my tenants were moving out--and that only lasted for about 10 minutes..no lie.  The enormous response of interest quickly laid that to rest...but it was my new tenant, who ended up contacting ME when I wasn't even going to consider telling her that was really instrumental in completely changing (for good) my perspective on those bothersome little circumstances that would like to completely negate my best intentions and positive outlook.  It was at that very point that I relied on what makes me who I am...my manner of reflective thinking.  This caused me to say to myself:  "I don't know why I EVER stress or panic about anything...because throughout my ENTIRE LIFE...any fear I ever had was short-lived and replaced by an even better scenario than I could imagine anyways."  It made me really think and therefore solidify in my everyday life that this thing called "worry" was a step in any process that could be TOTALLY eliminated, because it was a waste of time and energy.  It took all of one day to retrain my mind...and I really had nothing to do with it as far as an active process went.  It just happened...

Throughout all of the mountains that appeared out of nowhere...resources spent that I didn't have...I have NEVER in my life felt so much at peace and so very contented.  I don't think I could be any happier, more self-assured, or more hopeful for what each day brings, until of course, today turns into tomorrow.

I have finally found my peace...my truest, most pure peace...and I've realized that it was built upon the strongest of faith, my propensity to dig to the lesson each trial has been put in place to teach me, and to accept the growth and wisdom it offered so that I could come to that day where I finally "recognized" the pattern it drew for me.  At 48...some may say I was a stubborn student...and I even laugh at myself for that reason, but for everything under Heaven, there is a time.  I have no regret...I have nothing of myself to forgive, and I just sit back and enjoy the universe's sense of ironic humor (it is ALWAYS ironic) and wake each day feeling grateful that I have another day to squeeze the most life out of.

What matters to you?  Look at the thing that takes the most from you...consumes most of your drive...sometimes to the point of exasperation...but always gives you a return.  You'll have your answer.  Your energy and the attitude that encompasses it and the intention that gives birth to it is most instrumental in the manifestation of outcome.  I no longer best-case/worst-case anything,  as I've FINALLY learned, it takes care of itself.  What I DO focus on is my attitude..if I live like I already have it...in other words..my intention is TO have it...my actions are in line with getting it, maintaining it, counting on it...then it already IS at its conception--circumstance is OUTER, weaker, and more inconsistent.  Will is inner, stronger, and unyielding to circumstance.  Whatever will be...will be and I don't know 'bout ya'll...but I would rather set myself up for success.  In this life...money and time are of no consequence to success...intention and attitude are where its at!  Money will come and go and time will pass anyway...

"Therefore, I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask..believe you have received them and they will be granted you." Mark 11:24

"The preparations of the heart in man (intention) and the answer (outcome) of the tongue is from the Lord.    All the ways of a man are clean in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit (the intent/the truth).  Commit thy works unto the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established.  <---this one right here is a complete explanation of all that I have written.  Let go of worry and look back at all of the times you worried needlessly in the past to end up at an outcome that was favorable...and your thoughts from that point will be directed AWAY from worry...seemingly all by themselves.  Let the universe take care of the circumstance...you hold steadfast to the initial intention...if it be pure and conceived in a spirit of contribution..blessings will abound.

I wish for everyone a great day and an appreciation for every minute of it.