Years add wisdom, difficulties build strength, love moves mountains, tears nourish growth, dreams reveal purpose, character buries superficiality...Truth IS.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

In Memory of R.G.K. 11/27/1917---10/28/1998




Today is a somber, bitter-sweet sort of day.  It is a day that I relive the events of (now) 14 years ago, a day of pure helplessness, a day my world stopped momentarily....as I watched my beloved father end his walk upon this physical plane.  I am so grateful that he had presence of mind just hours before his final departure so that he could impart to me words that I would carry with me until I went to meet him there.  I'm grateful for the blessed opportunity to care for him in my home which led to my children (whom were very young at the time) developing a real knowledge of him and memories that they too can (and do) carry with them.  I'm grateful to have been trusted with the final decisions regarding his medical care and that he trusted me enough to know that  respect for his wishes along with my love for him would guide me to do the very best for him.  Just a day before that day, he and I watched a concert special on VH1 of Elton John (I LOVE Elton John) but I remember saying to him "If you don't want to watch this dad, you can change the channel"  He replied, "Oh no, I like this guy."  So there we were, the two of us sharing a 9" apple pie he requested that I bake him, sipping coffee and being entertained by Elton John...just silent space shared in love.  I cherish that memory and every time I hear an Elton John song...that memory is attached.

I can honestly say...though my father's face is not in view and the smell of that "Old Spice" is not wafting in the air, he IS with me...A LOT.  I feel him all the time, letting me know he is still a very important part of my life.  I know he sees my kids as they have all grown into adulthood and approves of their paths in life.  I know he is proud of me--of all of us.  I draw strength from his memory and I still try to make decisions that would make him proud.  He is thought of very often, and most often during the month of October.  I can honestly say that the month of October (since his passing) has always been the month of the year where I seem to make some pretty big, life-changing decisions...and it isn't even forethought...just seems to be the way it happens.  My youngest daughter was born October 18th...and she was the only of my three children that my father held while we were still in the hospital..AND I have a picture of it.  I feel it so apropos that fall has always been my favorite season, that it is the month that is clearly related to the change of season from summer to fall...from presence to absence...from warm, exuberant life brimming all around to barren chill and silence.  But I find the beauty in it...the smell, the seemingly different angle of the sun and the shadows it throws, the preparation of nature for rest, and the warm and cozy blanketed sleep.

I cry a lot around this time of year because it is my favorite holiday time...starting with Thanksgiving, through Christmas, and the birth of a brand new calendar year...all without the physical presence of my father.  I usually write my dad a letter every thanksgiving because sometimes, his birthday falls on this day...sometimes not..but another date that brings him to the forefront of my thoughts and reminds me that his laughter cannot be heard, his arms cannot be felt, and his humor cannot be shared.  As young as my children were when he left us, they will always mention him around this time too...usually Thanksgiving...one of them will say (and it is usually my middle daughter)..."I miss grandpa, I wish he was here to see how well we all are doing." To which I reply..."He is and he does, we just miss his physical presence."  This November, he would have been  95.  He lived a long life...one month shy of his 81st birthday and I think he lived the last good 15 years exactly the way he wanted to.

So today, it is all about my Rocket Man.  Love you dad.  We miss the parts of you that are missing...we feel the part of you that lives on.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Old Soul, New Vision

Good morning to all of my transcontinental friends as well as those here in the U.S.

I am astounded (to say the very least) at the number of views this blog gets from all over the world...from the tiniest islands to some of the largest republics...and lately, it seems that the people who are farthest from me, who were raised in different cultures and with different ideals are the ones who show most interest in the ideas I write about on here.  I've always had what I term to be an "old soul" and I have even said myself that I am a little "out there"...but it is so pleasing to know that "out there" is a literal place!!  Thank you so much for your continued interest.  It means SO much to me.

I've written in the past about purpose and tools and how sometimes we confuse them, interchange them, or even exchange one for the other..without the slightest clue.  I've also written about the path to enlightenment (as traveled by me)..and how the more wise we become, the more tools and talents we discover in ourselves to fulfill that purpose.  As long as I can remember, I have had what seemed like a NEED to write.  I have also had in indelible curiosity about people, situational context as it relates to people, and reaction/response.  I have always been very sensitive to voice inflection, body language; and have become very studious with regard to how language is used, word enunciation, and have had huge interest in grammar and composition.  I also have a relentless and complex imagination and busy myself with finding the irony in the smallest of detail.  Therefore, I regard my "gift" as seeing beyond and reading between.  It has never been a forced behavior, but more of a natural response..I've always been this way.

I've written some poetry here and there in addition to this blog and the work I've done on my book.  I journal every day faithfully and I record my dreams and experiences I have during meditation.  I jot EVERYTHING down because I feel led to do it.  I feel as though ALL of this information will become useful at some point in time.

The other morning, I woke up with this drive to compose yet another poem and along with this latest written work, this voice inside my head saying "you need to begin copyrighting your written material before you start throwing it out there for everyone to read."  This, due in part by the hardest lesson I've ever learned (and it took me a while)...self-preservation and protection of my voice and rights.  Though it is my nature to trust until proven that I can't...I've learned that a metered dose of caution can be a great ally in keeping the scales balanced.  I believe this work (though unfinished) to embody much of what by book would have shared, only in a much shorter and easier to understand context---and then again, maybe not.  

I have to say; however, that I really see (more these days than ever) a need in people to understand themselves better and to live their lives with PURPOSE.  People's attitudes just don't seem to be wrapped around material abundance so much anymore.  It seems that little by little, there is more interest in what one can do in service to others...instead of dwelling so much upon personal gain.  I am finding that people are losing faith in their jobs, the medical community, indoctrinated religion, the drug companies, insurance companies, the banking system, government, and definitely...all things "corporate America".  I think that others are beginning to "read between: and "see beyond" and this encourages me.  It seems that the division these once-emulated "deities" creates has become unveiled and now people are leaping off of the bandwagon of propaganda in search of real peace and meaning in their lives.  Maybe I am just paying closer attention...but this is the way it looks to me.

The one thing I can say for certain is this:  My entire life has been thoughtfully patterned around "what I don't want", "what doesn't feel right", and how I "won't do things."  So in essence, all of the lies, the maltreatment, the injustice, the fraud, greed, pride, and power we can now EXPECT at every turn really makes us think, educates us, and makes us better people when we recognize what it ISN'T, how it DOESN'T feel, and it what it WON'T do.  So to any and all  huge conglomerates, groups, and individuals who have your own greedy interests in mind, it has gotten to the point where the once un-noticable gap between "helping" us and harming us is becoming clearly recognized and people are searching for and finding alternatives.  The irony in all of this is this:  It is through ALL that was designed to divide that we are finding the answer to what bans us together.  So thank you--it's coming around now.

So in closing, I would like to wish one and all inner peace, vision toward that peace, and a life full of meaning and true comfort.  The minute you begin to question your purpose, you are on the road to a higher life--Happy trails to you!!