Great minds have purpose; small minds, wish....

Good Morning all!

Woke up to some morning rain and nice, fresh air. No angry thunder-bumpers, just straight down, quiet, drenching rain...oh, the grass and plants will be rejoicing today!! This weekend has been great and it also has seemed to "last" long enough to fully enjoy it. Usually, weekends fly by so fast and I find myself sitting there (like EVERY SUNDAY NIGHT) going, WOW, where did my days off go--lamenting for Friday to come back so I could more fulfillingly spend the time...but to no avail...Monday ALWAYS follows Sunday and then it is a fast-forward wish. This weekend was not like that at all. I was able to do some very fun and fulfilling things, spend my time with people I love and enjoy being around, some from WAY back in the day. On Saturday, went to a block party down in my old stomping grounds and it was like some kind of reunion of sorts of a 30-year span, I saw people I used to spend a considerable amount of time with as far back as the 80s..friends, coworkers, friends of friends...it was great.

I got a chance to listen to a friend play in his "other" band, which I must stay is WAY more suited to him than the full-time gig he plays. The music was EPIC and his talent was showcased to the maxxxxx, while in the other band, it is ALL about the band "leader." The minute I arrived at this block party and glanced at him as he played, it was as if he was BEAMING..the whole aura around him was bright, electric, and "fitting." The two ends of this spectrum where his talent, his heart, and "where he belongs" was concerned was vast and blatantly recognizable.

I made SURE I let him know this. I have wanted for SO VERY LONG to hear him let loose and break out and do what I KNEW he could do, but was stifled from doing under the iron fist of the band leader of the other band...SO SAD. The same goes for my boyfriend, who is an incredibly talented drummer and isn't such a bad guitarist himself...STIFLED....and pretty much turning what is a large part of who he is into nothing more than a "paycheck." Who has the right to do this, and why do WE allow this to happen? Have we become so dependent upon the mighty dollar that we dumb ourselves down, make ourselves less, and consistently do things for the money that EVERYONE needs to live and as commmonplace as this is, what does this dynamic really do to US as INDIVIDUALS as time marches on? What other areas of our lives does this kind of "settling to be less than we are capable of being and WANT to be" in one area of our lives affect our lives as a whole...especially when we are dealing with a creative process, our destiny, our soul's cry, our life's blood--who we REALLY areand what we are crying out to say? What happens when our outlet for expression is expected to be dampered or to "follow" someone elses in order that we may eat, have a roof over our heads, drive our cars back and forth to work--our physical sustenance? We are selling out...and the fallout from this effects us VERY deeply as well as those who love us most. We are NOT put here as MONEY-MAKING machines in order to live...we are put here to ALLOW our hearts to make a difference, to have our voices heard, to reach out and touch others in the manner that GOD intended--the way we are creatively equipped to do so...not the way society dictates that we do. It literally makes me sick how in this life we are incessantly put in a positition to CHOOSE between being WHO we are and our purpose and our so VERY BASIC needs, and it has just become such that we put ourselves on the back-burner for probably most of our lives.

At any rate, I am SO happy that this particular person has found his outlet and voice through this "side-band" and I feel priviledged to have been one of the sponges to soak up all the wisdom that came from really SEEING and HEARING it...being witness to such a spreading of wings and breathing freely is almost as important as doing it myself FOR myself. It releases hope, validates purpose, and drives me to LIVE mine.

Think about it...I'm sure you can connect the dots here.

"Men, like nails, lose their usefulness when they lose direction and begin to bend." ~Walter Savage Landor

"We all possess the thunder of pure fury and the calm breeze of tranquility. If it wasn't for tomorrow, how much would we get done today? Whatever your purpose... embrace it completely. Get lost in the clouds every now and then so you never lose sight of God's wonder." ~Paul Vitale

"This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy." ~George Bernard Shaw

LIVE your purpose openly, freely without restriction, and you may just learn again how to LOVE and begin to recognize the pangs of true happiness.

Much love to you all and happy Sunday!!

Truth or Consequence...what's your truth?

Good Monday morning everyone!

Don't know where you are all located, but WOW, we have had some stifling, thick, and obtrusive weather up here!! It just drains the energy right out of you. When you live in the area where I do, there always seems to be a complaint of some sort about the weather...we have changing seasons...so when it is cold, we want it to be warm, when it is hot, we want it to be cool, when it rains too much, we want it to dry up, and on and on the complaint train goes. Because we get such an assortment of weather patterns, I guess we feel like we should be able to pick and choose the "weather of the day." However, that is not the way it goes..and yet we never stop trying to control something we have absolutely NO control over, but I guess it makes us feel better if we can at least voice our discomfort and move on.

I guess I am just one of these "middle of the road" kinda people...I like balance..and am discomforted by any extreme. Don't like real COLD or real HOT..too MUCH or to LITTLE..I guess I have a "baby bear" mentality. Everything in moderation...and JUST RIGHT, even though that is nearly impossible..well, with anything besides yourself. Within yourself, you can be "just right" but it is such a struggle when there are things we innately wish and hope for outside of ourselves (those things we have no say over). But INSIDE, we can tweak ANYTHING about ourselves to achieve that inside balance..but we get stuck in a cycle of trying to bring harmony to the things "out" with the things "in" in order to find our "comfort." There are sometimes even extreme decisions we have to make for change that are the "sting" of discomfort at first for the sake of lasting peace later. There are things we are FORCED to see even when inside we make excuses for, try to avoid believing...but nevertheless..the truth...which is very rarely EVER plain and simple...especially when your hope and belief is so strong in the other direction. So in these cases, we try to change and arrange the circumstaces, we try to communicate our discomfort, to work through the problems..with the old antage in the back of our minds that anything worth having is worth working for. But what if the differences are just SO extreme that it stalemates all the time...what if one point of view cannot even be fathomed by the other and you always walk away "agreeing to disagree" and then nothing gets solved and there is never real understanding or point of contentment reached? What if the reasoning or the vantage point in which two people look at something is so vastly different and comes from such different places that you seem to be wasting precious "air-time" solving nothing, and you are onstantly "moving forward" but to WHERE..unsolved differences, unsolved problems, no understanding whatsoever of where the other is even coming from..you just DROP it until the NEXT TIME. "I'm just sittin' here watching the wheels go 'round and 'round...I really love to watch them roll." (Sorry...that song just popped into my head while writing and figured I would give John Lennon and those words tribute in my thoughts this morning)!

There are so many times when we compartmentalize our discomforts into "seperate problems, incidents, or circumstances." We move from cirumstance to circumstance, trying to work through them as if they are a set of random happenings...or we fail to realize that it is not just a financial problem or a relationship problem or whatever the case may be...we start to get tunnel vision aimed at where our discomfort for the day lies...UNTIL, one day, the last piece of the jigsaw puzzle of circumstances gets put into place to see the WHOLE picture..and once that whole picture is in view, you look back at the struggle to find the place for all of the pieces and it all MAKES PERFECT SENSE...and the over-riding influence that spawned these "smaller problems" is in your FACE, undeniable and you realize that you have always really known, but there it is, right in front of you...you think back to find that it always has been...you just wanted "comfort" so bad, you overlooked, hoped, and wished your way through everything just to survive...you have been comforting YOURSELF the entire time with LIES. The truth can be a cold, hard bitch sometimes and she has no sympathy, empathy, nor cause for concern of your discomfort..she is what she is...like her or not...you HAVE to accept her. Even the greatest proponent for truth in everything has no problem lying to him/herself. We don't want to discomfort "others" with lies, secrets, deception...but we have NO problem comforting OURSELVES with them, do we? WOW! The biggest victory of all is to conquer self...We become so entwined and dedicated to being honest with everyone else and yet we lie to ourselves with such ease and discomfort ourselves with NO problem, because even the little bit of comfort we find in doing this at the time does not cancel out the discomfort of the chaos our subconscious puts us through in doing so. Short term solution for a long-term problem...it is AVOIDANCE, ESCAPISM, and ACCEPTANCE of self abuse, and for what? This is the hardest question to answer but one that truth demands you to answer sooner or later...she won't leave you alone until you do.

There is a huge difference between acting on opportunity (simply because you can) and acting out of character. There is also a huge difference in a thought process based on impulsivity and one of principle and one will never understand the other. There is afterthought and forethought. People defend what they "believe" because it is who they are. Everyone is different...and we should accept and embrace these differences in each other, as long as they don't force us to act against ourselves...

This quote I just found is PERFECT...
"God offers to every mind its choice between truth and repose. Take which you please - you can never have both." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

"I tore myself away from the safe comfort of certainties through my love for truth - and truth rewarded me." ~Simone de Beauvoir

"We do not err because truth is difficult to see. It is visible at a glance. We err because this is more comfortable." ~Alexander Solzhenitsyn

More and more, truth seems to be pragmatic...everyone has their own..and it comes from all kinds of different places...the struggle is to find common ground if there is any at all to be found.
Signed--
Workin' through.

Feelin' groovy....

Good Monday Morning to ALL!!

I am getting that itch to write on a pretty regular basis again!! I LOVE writing...but FIRST, I need something to write ABOUT!! I took a small hiatus from my blog because of writers block (so to speak, I guess). Distractions and lack of inspiration..more of my thought-processor (tying things together)being on the bum than my word processor (ability to find the words to say). All of this comes from being neck deep in "the experience", i.e., LIVING the experience, feeling it, hearing it, touching it, BEING it..for the things I write about, THIS is step #1, and some experiences take longer than others to materialize into thought, to words, and then to something that may interest others to read. I am a pretty universal "thinker" or believer, so you can imagine the wide scope I have to work with here...BUT..I want to say that I have had some pretty immense reader response lately from all over the world and I want to take time to let those who pop in to read my thoughts know how much I appreciate your interest in the sometimes "out-there" ideas I have about life. THANK YOU!! I would also like to ask that you don't be shy and leave a comment once in a while, as I feel that you are all getting to know me pretty well and I would feel honored to get to know you all as well!! Okay, with all of that out of the way...my latest experience/thought/interpretation...(my college English professor doesn't call me "the philosopher" for nothin'! :)

The importance of confidence (self-nourishing)...and the capability to keep it in context without letting it go to your head and turn to conceit (self-serving).

Okay, this is a BIG one and there is a HUGE difference. Although these two qualities are tied together and build upon one another and are USED together, there still remains a wedge between. One is real, the other is feigned, and the ability to discern between the two comes with careful dissection of motive. Confidence is a VERY attractive quality to have, though TOO MUCH of anything is self-sabbatoge.

A few years back, I was a very confident, self-reliant, fiercly independent woman. I had left a very long and not-so-healthy marriage where my confidence had been pretty well stripped to nothing, got my own apartment with my 3 babes in tow, and began the soul-searching, confidence-rebuilding, independent lifestyle..which took me quite a while. There were a lot of adjustments to make, but by the end of a year, I was a totally DIFFERENT person. I NEEDED no one and nothing from anyone. I asked for no hand-outs or help with anything. I cannot remember EVER feeling so good about myself and my little family. My goal when I left was to feel confident in my ability to take care of myself and mine...that's all. I wasn't looking for a replacement or stand-in for a life partner, wasn't even looking for a "temporary" change in male scenery...if you get my drift...as matter of fact, I wouldn't even entertain the idea of dating at ALL during that year..It was all about ME and my kids, building a life we all had become accustomed to BY MYSELF...I wanted no distractions..my eyes were FIXATED on my goal..which I did eventually reach. I went from being a doormat to not even letting someone BELIEVE they could get over on me..I spoke up for myself and defended my decisions and took no shit from ANYONE! It was the most liberating time of my life. Though NEVER during this time did I ever believe that I was something special or had something special to offer someone that they couldn't find somewhere else..I was confident WITHOUT an inflated opinion of myself..I was just ME, I was happy being ME, I was proud of the work I had done to rediscover and uncover who I was and that was it. I wasn't out to recieve accolades from others, adoration, or adornment from others...and even when it was offered to me by my very best friends and/or family, I felt uncomfortable with what they only meant to be a term of endearment/compliment. I believe that everyone is responsible for who they are, how they act/react, what they do..and ultimately what they make of themselves...and really, this is the ultimate job we all have to do while we take up space in this universe. I cannot take credit nor be blamed for choices another makes...only my OWN.

So confidence for me was found in myself, used for myself, to make me a better ME...to make me feel better about ME...it was not used to impress nor was it used as an opportunity for selfish gain. Conciet comes into play when someone takes a compliment or attention from others as a sign of being "above" or being something "special." It still makes you feel good about yourself, but the direction it takes from there is purely selfish. It becomes a building block for being CONVINCED you are there for the mere pleasure of others. It becomes a "persona" and/or projection...it is not who you REALLY are, but just a means to keep up with what OTHERS THINK you are.

If you are a regular follower and reader of my posts, you are aware that lately, my confidence is not really where it was a few years back, I am a little insecure, and unsure of my place sometimes, and mostly about my attractiveness and importance..it's not just about outer beauty but inner as well...I have begun to question whether or not I am actually interesting anymore, intriguing anymore..ya know, all those qualities people used to describe me back in the day...that I just don't hear as frequently or FEEL as often. I have begun to again look at what I have become through all the struggle...am I allowing myself to get beat down again? Let's face it, a mousey, unsure, and fairly restricted person isn't really all that attractive or interesting, are they?

I have never been conceited and I have never really relied on opinions of others about me to make me feel worthy of anything; but there are some things that we all suffer in life that a little boost from someone else in an area where we are feeling we are falling a bit short goes a LONG way to seeing ourselves as we are again...we are our own worst critics..and there are times when others can see us more clearly than we see ourselves..the difference between gaining confidence from this attention and becoming narcissistic from it is what we DO with it.

I have had occasion lately to attract attention in the least likely of places. I have been made to feel attractive, interesting, and fun to be around...THIS is what I have NEEDED...and for some reason, I think in times like these, if we believe strongly enough, the universe pulls one out of its ass for us all and gives us EXACTLY what we need to lead us back to WHO we are when we stray a bit in certain areas or when we feel that we are lacking something that maybe WE just believe is lacking---just to let us know we are being STUPID. This has rebuilt a TON of confidence in me and I use it to be just a better me...not to monopolize on anything...just to say to myself..."ya know what, you ARE interesting, you ARE attractive, you are FUN to be around..you are worthy of attention and have some pretty damn interesting things to say" and I can walk with my head held high, CONFIDENT that I am the best me that I can be and maybe I was just letting the actions or thoughts of others dictate who I thought I was...VERY SOBERING chain of events, I must say. The funny thing is, this revelation didn't even come from where I needed it to come from the most...but it really doesn't matter...what matters is that I apply it in the area that I need it the most!

This is a VERY windy post...I will letcha's off the hook...I hope you can read "between" the lines here because such a complicated thought process has a hard time being simplified into comprehensible words sometimes..

Confidence: USE it...don't ABUSE it!!

Good day to you all!

Feeling is believing....

Hello people!

Yeah, I'm getting back to blogging on a more regular basis I guess..lucky you!! (Hahahaha)

The night before last, I watched "Through the Wormhole" with Morgan Freeman, the episode was about the 6th sense and whether or not we have one and if so, where it originates and how it is so. It was very interesting for someone like me, who seems to vibe off of EVERYTHING. It was somewhat of a validation for me and made me feel good that scientists are actually spending time researching this phenomenon. However, at one point in the program, it was said that most people don't realize they have this 6th sense as their existence (and existence of things around them) are over-ridden by their primary senses of sight, sound, touch...etc... I find this to be a very TRUE statement...however, what about those of us who tip the scales the opposite direction..I waited and waited for something to be said about that, but to no avail.

As I listened, I couldn't help but think that my thoughts, my life, my beliefs, and the way I navigate through all above mentioned is by my 6th sense primarily. I have been taught that what you SEE isn't necessarily what is...what you hear isn't necessarily the truth, and what we are and what we experience in this life is not limited to the 5 primary senses. These are all SECONDARY senses to me...used as validation after the fact more so than the concrete. I FEEL first ALWAYS. I get "gut" feelings about everything first. This is probably why I really suck at remembering names of new people I meet...I am more tuned into their body language and how they are expressing more than who they say they are and what they are expressing. I first need to get a good feeling about someone before I remember anything about them. My take...what good is knowing someone's name, what they do for a living, how they happened to be in this space at this time... if I am never going to share space with them again...To be totally honest, if I get a bad vibe about someone, my radar goes straight to INTENT, and then I start building a profile of them by their body language, the words they speak, how they speak them, and then begin to ask myself "now WHY would this person say this." This is how I get to KNOW someone. It is amazing to me how many people use the fact that MOST people are unaware of a 6th sense because it is over-ridden by the priamry senses!! But NOT everyone is like this. There are people like me who see right PAST all of the superficial. I believe that I have been this way for so long that this is my nature, which goes against conventional physiological/biological thought. If I were to describe how I relate to people it would be....I go straight to the core of the person...I pass GO, leave the $200 behind and then cash in at the end of the game. I don't even have to look, it presents itself to me immmediately. The vibe comes before the introduction and from there, it takes center stage in my "getting to know someone." So to be called a 6th sense to me is almost nondescript...it is more like my leading sense, my first sense...other senses as far as people are concerned are nothing more than tools to validate. I would love to be the object of study in one of these research trials on "universal thought process and behavior" so that I could better understand MYSELF!!

But the bummer of this is that this there all the time...it is not just when I first meet someone...it is there in my everyday connections with people...those in my family, etc. My kids have often said.."I don't lie to you mom, because it just doesn't work...we get caught every time" I am not easily fooled, even by those I love the most and those whom I overlook the most..My radar is ALWAYS running concentrating on "intent" always...why is this person saying this? Why is this person doing this? Why now instead of yesterday...why, why, why...and to be honest with ya'll, I am very RARELY wrong. From the smallest of "little whites" to the largest lies of all...I can feel them, read them, and figure out why they are being told or why a certain behavior is being displayed. I can literally FEEL the emotion of the other person, whether it be tension, nerviousness, sadness, confusion, joy, whatever it may be, it permeates me as if they were my own feelings...it is all very strange.

At times, I believe this to be a gift; other times, a curse. It makes it difficult to be completely at peace when everyone's vibes are invading your psyche all the time and then your mind is busy decoding..there have been MANY things I would have wished to not know about someone, but the truth always seems to find its way to me whether I am equipped to handle it or not...and THIS is the curse of it all. Even though I have the ability to see the truth...the technology of my "processor" is archaic. Putting it all in perspective is what is difficult, especially when there are "feelings" attached to it.

Okay, I have chewed year ears off long enough..or should I say your "eyes out"...

“Intuition is the supra-logic that cuts out all the routine processes of thought and leaps straight from the problem to the answer.”
Robert Graves

“The only real valuable thing is intuition.”
Albert Einstein

“Intuition will tell the thinking mind where to look next.”
santiz Jonas Salk

Have a great day everyone....and be careful

Blazin' trails...

Hello everyone...

Woke up to a beautiful COOL morning..temps only supposed to get into the mid-70s today...my kinda weather right there!! I realize my post yesterday was pretty "whiney"..but I gotta tell ya..it helped me so much just to vent how I was feeling and it felt as if a weight had been lifted. Believe it or not, I feel a LOT better about myself having said just a few positive words about myself and it made me dig even deeper into the differences in people (of course). There are superficial "look at me" traits and there are genuine, deep-seated "know me" traits. Here is the difference:

Superficial:
1. Physical beauty (this is a no-brainer).
2. Being "nice." which include the following:
a. Saying "situation-appropriate" things.
b. Doing "situation-appropriate" things.
3. Doing as "others" do, societal norms.
4. Politeness.

Genuine:
1. Inner beauty, that which makes has not choice but to MAKE the outside beautiful as well.
2. Being "good", which include the following:
a. Saying what NEEDS to be said despite the situation.
b. Doing what NEEDS to be done, despite the situation.
c. Staying true to yourself, your conscience, your values, despite societal norms.
d. Compassion/truth/honesty (moral compass).

As you will note, the first set of traits are SELF motivated...they are used on others to gain for self. In other words, there is usually an agenda or something we are working for or looking to gain by superficial means. If I am outwardly beautiful, I will turn heads, and I like that kind of attention. If I do and say things in a situation that will make me look GOOD, then people will automatically believe that I am. It is all to make impressions on others so that we can gain admiration...people are NICE for all kinds of reasons...even the most mean and ornary people can be nice if there is something to gain from it...a new job, a new lover, a minute's peace...whatever they seek, they USE persona and/or "position" to get!! However, the gain from such traits is usually temporary and meaningless...you can't get something deep and meaningful from something that only scratches the surface, right? They are used to convince certain people that you are this or that, or you feel this way or that way, or you believe this way or that way...but not EVERYONE sees the same person..dig it?

The second set of traits; however, come from a different place altogether...they CAN and DO render the same effect, but the effect is LASTING and MEANINFUL. Connections made by means of being yourself, being of good character and displaying your values by word and deed convince EVERYONE that you are who you present yourself to be. You will never get a conflict of opinion on WHO you are. Some people may not "like" your honesty or the way you act...but there is no discrepancy in WHO you are because what you say and how you act and what you do are in accordance one with the other...always. And once you figure out who you are and you like who you are...you really don't give a rat's ass if others like you or not because deep down inside, you KNOW you have stayed true in every way to the "display" and you have been the BEST you that YOU can be, so you understand that there is no pleasing everyone. I love that saying "I would rather be hated for who I am than to be loved for what I am not." This is the DIFFERENCE right here folks.

It may be nice to gather attention from those you feel will benefit you in some way...emotionally, financially, position-in-life-wise, but eventually, they will figure it all out.

Those who lie or put up fronts can be VERY NICE...but it doesn't make them trustworthy or good. Those who are beautiful on the outside are not necessarily beautiful inside. Those who are charasmatic, smart, and funny, say all the right things, and do all the right things are not necessarily all that you see. Look at the actions...and you will find the truth..and I guarantee you, there WILL be a discrepancy between what is being "displayed" and what truly is...and you will know that these niceties are being put on for THEIR benefit in one way or another. It is not for you...it is to extract from you the same benefit they are giving you by said words/actions.

Now ask yourself...do you want to spend the rest of your life bartering for genuine, long-lasting happiness...trading it back and forth over and over again to never find it..OR..do you want people to love and want to be around you because you are WHO you are, that their esteem for you is real, and that you can keep giving them what it is that they love about you with no effort whatsoever...and KNOW what happiness really is..

So yeah, this is what my post yesterday did for me. I'm back on the right track..."those who know me, know me well...those who don't..." well, you solve that riddle!!

“The most important ingredient we put into any relationship is not what we say or what we do, but what we are. And if our words and our actions come from superficial human relations techniques (the Personality Ethic) rather than from our own inner core (the Character Ethic), others will sense that duplicity. We simply won't be able to create and sustain the foundation necessary for effective interdependence.”~ Stephen R. Covey.

Yeah ^^^^ what he said....

Wishing you all a great day and a harmonious relationship with all!!

This above all....

Good morning everyone!

I know it has been a WHILE since I have gotten on here to blog my ass off, but truth be told, there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day...although when that work clock gets punched the end of the day...I do NOTHING. It was a HOT one here last nite...could not get comfortable and from what our trusty weatherman says, it's gonna get worse today!! Ewe..I hate humidity...but, it is just something you have to adjust to and live with, and we all know life is a series of adjustments, it is what it is and we have to just find our place in it all.

I am learning that there are a lot of things I have to adjust to and live with lately...behavior that becomes habitual and a mindset that seems to drive it...I have made a very serious choice lately to reconcile a relationship that I thought for SURE was over because the LOVE was still there. However, it isn't as simple as just loving anymore. I mean, this seems to be all that holds a relationship together until trust is broken, and then your life becomes a series of being one step ahead all the time...and this is what I mean about mind-set. You get into the habit of thinking the worst...especially when the trust has been broken more than once. When another's behavior (and thought process)seems to become a pattern, then you react in like manner. It is insane!! Walking on eggshells, worrying all the time, wondering all the time, but always HOPING THIS TIME will be different. And how is one to know....and if it is indeed different this time, will all the paranoia ruin everything? You seem to go into it with a clear mind, having reconcilled a lot in your mind and at first, it is nothing but a forward journey...past left behind...moving on..and it feels so liberating and GOOD...but then...people remind you, bring up the past, the past begins to invade your NOW and you begin to relive, rehash, and those old ways of thinking begin to re-emerge. Your joy in the now becomes dampened by thoughts of the past and the anticipation of it repeating itself once again. VICIOUS.

I have had to keep telling myself..."self...people are going to do and think what they do and think...you cannot prevent it, if they are driven to do something, they WILL do it...with or without your consent, your blessing, or the hours and hours of worry you put into it. The hardest hurdle for me to jump has been the feeling of being "compared." The feeling of being "less." This weighs on me SO heavily all the time. There is nothing worse than feeling like you are not enough, (especially when you give the best of yourself most of the time), or that you lack something or you are too much of something else...I don't know.

If you were to ask me what I thought about myself, I would say that I happen to like me very much...I may not be cutesy, coy, soft-spoken, physically beautiful, lady-like or nice all the time...but I am intelligent, funny, honest, trustworthy, loving and GOOD...I don't put on any masks nor do I wear different "hats"..what you see is what you get, so I don't understand why I am struggling with all of this. It isn't like I have been beaten down because I can still sleep at night, and I live with no guilt, and my self-esteem is really intact...it has just become a habit to believe that this one person has never seen me as I see myself and I am afraid this person never will...it is FEAR that drives all of this in me...the WORST enemy and life-threatening emotion there is. One day at a time...rebuild, regenerate, and readjust...that's all. I cannot sit here today and preach to you all about "not letting someone control your emotional state", the way you look at or feel about yourself, because we all do this to some extent in certain situations...today, I preach to myself to just BE MYSELF, LOVE MYSELF, and be content that I am exactly the way I am supposed to be...and it it isn't good enough for everyone, then it isn't. I will not change unless I FEEL change is warranted...I will not try to become the flavor of the week for anyone. The only thing I need to change right now is MY FEAR, MY INSECURITY...nothing about WHO I am...just how I see things. This is my mission...wish me luck..

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell; my blessing season this in thee!
~William Shakespear's Hamlet.

Have a great day everyone...