Honesty: KNOWING your limitations...yet REACHING for the stars....

Good morning peeps!!

Well, today is preparation day for game #2 for our tiny hometown sectional participants...and a few of them have a final in school today too...oh ...boy! I am nervous for them...this means EVERYTHING to them...and you cannot help but take on some of that energy..so the preaching begins "don't be too over-confident, keep the negative emotions out of the game, talk it up out there, stay awake, and every opponent is going to be harder to beat..etc, etc." We've had ALL the conversations. Communication is key in any successful team.

You have to know each others strengths and weaknesses, and be able to count on the fact that your team-mates are gonna give it their ALL, ALL THE TIME....and understand that errors will be made, but no one is perfect. So at the same time you depend upon your team-mates, there has to also be room for human error. Shake it off, move forward. As long as you have done your very personal BEST and you give it all you've got...there is no shame in the game, not at all...there is always room for improvment in anything...we never stop learning and growing as individuals or as a team...it is my wish that THIS team continues to grow and play with grace and integrity, that they stay tough in the eyes of adversity, that they see beyond the label of "winner or loser", they keep their reputation and character intact and that none of them falter in the committment they have made to one another because THIS is what people will remember anyway....HOW the game is played.

When it is all said and done...years down the road, the conversation will probably be less about whether the "trophy was taken" or not. It will more than likely be more about the tenacity of the fight for something you want SO badly that you exhibit that winning attitude even in the face of loss, you hold your head up high KNOWING that you DESERVED to be there. This is the MEANINGFUL part of the game, doing your best, playing fair/good sportsmanship, covering your team-mates, putting your ALL into it..nothing held back and "balls to the wall." :)

"There is NOTHING more dangerous than somebody who is making a come-back" T.D. Jakes.

Good day to you all...enjoy the beautiful weather...hug your kids...and always LET the people you LOVE KNOW that you love them..that's all it takes, one life at a time to touch, and the world WILL begin to follow.

Blessings,
Signing today....Winner.

Remembering our heroes....

Good morning.

I really don't have a lot to say after yesterday's post...I'm still letting all of that steep I guess.

I just wanted to wish everyone a happy and safe Memorial Day weekend. Take time to thank a soldier or attend a memorial service for those who have made the ultimate sacrifice for our country's freedom.

God Bless..

Home....and all that it is.

Good morning everyone.

Hold on to your skivs...I'm going a bit nostalgic as this seems to be where I live right now.

Last evening, I was scrolling through pictures on my computer as “The Scientist” by Cold Play played in the background, and I got choked up and teary-eyed, as I viewed the slide show of my life set to music…“Nobody said it was easy…it’s such a shame for us to part…nobody said it was easy….No-one ever said it would be so hard….I’m goin’ back to the start.“ WOW…

I looked at photos of my home, inside and outside, at Christmas-time…how beautiful.. and so MANY memories of being surrounded by all of those who mean EVERYTHING to me…and all the echoes of laughter contained within the walls of this old house. I can’t help but think that this place, the center of my life now, has seen SO MUCH love through the years…I felt it when I first walked through it before deciding to make it “home.”

I instantly fell in love with the vibe of it. It holds within the joys of new birth, partings from this world to the next, and celebrations of all sorts in between. It encompasses lazy days, feverish work, dancing, singing, summer breezes, views out of it’s windows of colorful foliage and sparkling snow. warm fires in this big old fireplace burning the damp out of the air. This house chose ME…my kids chose me…how very, very FORTUNATE I have been. If I were to be called away tomorrow, I surely would have lived a full life, indeed. But still, these things are all bittersweet to me and I cry as I type….

On one hand, I am full of pride and joy watching each one of my children LIVE life to the fullest and squeeze every ounce of it, leaving nothing in the skin, experiencing triumphs and fully KNOWING who they are and where their place is in this world. They are not kids anymore and have become my very best friends and trusted confidants. On the other hand, a lump forms in my throat knowing that they will all soon be gone away from this house and the laughter, dancing, singing, celebrations that were once an everyday occurrence will very soon be few and far between. The sadness begins to envelope me as I know that someday this old house will only have me then, and I it. The conversations will cease…it will be quiet…all very quiet….and I don’t think that either of us wants or deserves that.

How come it is that you feel like the ONLY one on earth who goes through these slide shows, laughs, cries, and feels so deeply all the losses? Why is it so hard to find someone who understands so closely the feelings you are experiencing? Because no one else is you. They can empathize, but they will never quite understand. Letting go is something I am not very good at…never have been I guess…it probably has to do with that LOVE thing--how everything I touch and everything that touches me, so innately becomes a PART. How do you let all of the parts of you go and still have a YOU left? I got bummed out about my across-the-street neighbor cutting down this beautiful red maple he had growing in his yard for crying out loud. It wasn’t mine, but in a small way, somewhere inside of me, it just belonged…I often wonder if I am abnormal. You don’t hear many people talking about their homes as if they are living breathing entities…but to me, it HAS to be, that tree HAS to be, EVERYTHING has the right to really mean SOMETHING to someone, doesn‘t it??

I am fully immersed in this last year of my youngest child’s high-school life. I am hanging on to it as if my life depends on it, I guess. Her softball team won their quarter-final game in sectionals and go against team #2 next week. I was SO excited watching this game and seeing them win. You would have thought I was part of the team (and I suppose by all intent and purpose, I am). I came home way ahead of the bus, but followed the bus in to the school as it passed by the house, got out of my car and walked into the school with them as they carried their equipment to the locker room. I was met at the door by their coach, who thanked me for the nice article I had written here on my blog, entitled “Taking one for the team” about he and the girls. He said something like “It is so nice to know that someone understands what REALLY goes on” He told me that it was very nice and expressed his appreciation. To me…it was NOTHIN’…it is how I feel…mere facts from where I stand…how easy is that? But I felt equally, if not more appreciative of his mere mention of it. That is the way life should be…people just saying things to and doing things for another because something just touched them in some special way. It is probably the most rewarding and heartwarming feeling to know that someone is touched in some way by just a mere expression of something that has touched you…these tiny little gestures that come straight from the heart seem to be lost somewhere these days, though it is encouraging to see that there are a few people left who embrace and hold strong to the simple goodness and realize the reward in it all.

“Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your sea-fairing soul, if either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas. For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.”~Kahlil Gibran.

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. ~Epictetus

“Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Author Unknown

"A cold and broken Hallelujah....

Hello everyone:

I am back...but I can't promise you sunshine and roses...but life just isn't always like that, now is it?? Most of my posts have been about transcendence and using hindsight to make better decisions for my future...it is all about learning kids...all about learning. I figured why shouldn't I post about where I am now...why shouldn't you all see the process from beginning to end to better understand my thoughts. For a few days, I needed time..time away, time to myself to take all of my very volatile and mixed emotions that were everywhere and gather them together so I could actually form a sentence.

I have struggled with letting go of a dream...a dream that encompassed my life until the day I breathed no more. It was a great love, plans for a future that went beyond my role as a mother..they were the plans I had for being a "woman" in the second half of her life, sharing her last years with the "man" she loved, living out the rest of our lives in the home we made for each other. I mean, I am not teenager..or young adult..isn't that what we do at this stage of our lives? They were plans of doing things for herself to better herself and embarking upon those things that were on hold until she completed the most important task..that of seeing her children off to their very own lives. I was looking forward to "couple" time. I was looking forward to quiet times together with my best friend. I don't want to lead you to believe that it wasn't a rocky road I traveled to get me there...but I "believed."

I have come a place where I have to understand that my dreams are just that...they are mine. Everyone has a belief system..and engrained "way of life" and how they live that belief outwardly is an indication of where their belief lies. I cannot believe for someone else..only me. I am only responsible for my own reflection. This knowledge; however, is of very little comfort to me right now. "The two become one flesh" is my struggle. It is a prying myself apart from myself. When you GENUINELY, TRULY LOVE someone, they are not seperate from you...they are a PART of you...and unfortunately, that part of me has taken up residence (physically and otherwise)somewhere else. The fact that he probably was really never WITH me has no bearing on that fact that my love for him made him an extension of myself--it is LOVE that does that...not a person.

I struggle with knowing that THIS was the greatest love of all for me apart from that of my children...taking away the fact that love between parent and child and love between a man and a woman are of different "every-day" dynamic and that raising children takes guidance and the ability to be depended upon for their very lives...the LOVE is the same...if it is GENUINE. I would like to share with you the true definition of love that I never realized could ever be a reality in this world...but live everyday:

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries, and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It ALWAYS protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

"And now these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. But the greatest of these is love."

I KNOW that I LOVE.

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten-thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." ~Washington Irving.

"We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but learning to see the imperfect person perfectly."~Sam Keene.

Signed...Me.

"And you drive all night and you see a light...."

Good Morning!!

Well, the "radio weather" is promising us some sunshine and warm temps today!! Oh my...I have so many options to choose from to keep me busy on a day like that!!

Disclaimer: The portion of this post below is not meant in any way to offend, but more an exercise of my freedom of speech and my opinion. I will not entertain any "hate" comments if there are to be any left nor will I argue any opinion to the contrary. I completely aknowledge that we all have a right to our very own and respect that, so if you are to proceed, I ask that you return that same respect to me.

I don't know how many of you heard about that religious group whose leader decided that today is DEFINITELY going to be the day of the rapture....BOY, that is ANOTHER example of putting your faith in something OTHER than GOD aye? I'm sorry...but if Albert Einstein (whom I happen to hold a great amount of esteem for) hit a brick wall where that is concerned...then, this guy's supposed "math and decoding" skills really don't impress me so much...but BOY...look at the sheep!!! These poor people just LOOKING for something to believe in....maybe they should concentrate MORE on living this life than being "beamed" out of it!! Heaven and hell...states/planes of consciousness...my take. A friend of mine posted on facebook that "we should all just leave a random 'change of clothes' laying around somewhere in view on this day" You know, an entire outfit, as if there were at ONE time a body within them! I chuckled to myself...as I imagined followers of this brainwashing idiot videotaping all of the "absent bodies".....trying to keep the obvious EPIC FAIL trail going...only...why would THEY be here to tape it all? Oh BOY!! Whatev!!

This is a classic example of "forgetting your first love" and "worshipping idols" and "following blind guides." I LAUGH OUT LOUD at stuff like this!! For one, throughout the BIBLE, it speaks of the "transforming of your mind" and "the kingdom of GOD is IN YOU...not over here or over there" and "approaching God as a child" and YET there are STILL those who refuse to simply just take their minds to a "higher plane" and just REALIZE what this actually means...and I have to laugh further when time after time...Jesus, himself is quoted as saying "Are you SO DULL?" It is so very simple, yet we have people like this REDUCING something that could work SO POWERFULLY in their lives to a mere "David Blain or Chris Angel--Mindfreak" slight-of-hand magic trick!! OMG...if that were the case...THESE GUYS should be considered HOLY..not satanic!! How hippocritical and just plain STUPID---is this what it is gonna take for these people...a mere magic trick?? I feel VERY sorry for them--cuz their entire life will be spent at this bus-stop and in the meantime, anything purposeful they COULD be doing with the life they have been blessed with is WASTED as they lead others down their path of "ignorant" deceit.

The way I look at it is....I have already been raptured, okay...I have already joined forces with Jesus, I have already left loved ones "behind" and I have already been "taken into the clouds" and ya know what, I CANNOT REMEMBER when it all really happened, and I am sure that at the time of this transformation of my MIND, I didn't even realize it was happening...so HA! And THAT, my dear friends is where the TRUE magic is...it isn't some GRANDSTAND DISPLAY...it happens very subtly...ALL INWARDLY and in SECRET...WITHIN the individual. Read your Bible people---READ it...don't just gloss over the words and take it so superficially literal, but take it IN to YOURSELF and relate it. Use it in a way to make a difference in everything you do because you can see YOURSELF in it. It is not so much a book of instruction for those who do not SEE...but a book of validation for those who DO.

I will hop off my soapbox right now..cuz I could go on and on...I really could...but I think I have adequately presented my stance on THIS particular "newsworthy" tidbit of crap!!

Much TRUE love to you all...and as always...go outside...kiss your kids...and LOVE with all you got..because THAT will always make a difference.

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." ~Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

"He has the right to criticize who has the heart to help." ~Abraham Lincoln

"Past the seeker as he prayed came the crippled and the beggar and the beaten. And seeing them... he cried, "Great God, how is it that a loving creator can see such things and yet do nothing about them?" God said, "I did do something. I made you." ~Author Unknown

Signed...The rapture? That was SO yesterday!!

Takin' one for the team...

Greetings everyone!

Well, after an evening/night of some serious raging downpours, when I awoke this morning, there was sunshine and beautiful lavendar blooms on my lilac bush with little prismatic droplets of rain reflecting the sunlight dotted throughout the blooms outside my kitchen window. Insta-smile!!

I spent the better part of 2 hours yesterday at the softball field in these downpours watching my youngest daughter's varsity softball team shut-out yet ANOTHER opponent (one of the teams they were in a 3-way tie for first with). They called the game in the 6th inning, as the field was beginning to resemble a swamp and the ump was in fear that someone would get hurt. I do have to mention--as a PROUD mommy...my daughter made an EPIC play at home (she is the catcher), lost pitch off her glove, on her knees, face to the backstop, backward toss to the pitcher and OUT at home!!

They play their last two regular-season games here at home this evening and tomorrow evening, and rain or shine....you KNOW where my butt will be!! They are 11-1 going into these last two games and we all are hopeful that this winning streak will last..it has been a long-time coming for our little hometown school and how great it is to see these young faces displaying "victory." They have a VERY solid team...big hitters, agile fielders, and watching them is like watching a well-calibrated machine...TEAMWORK!! So..GO LADY BOBCATS!! YOU ALL INSPIRE ME!! They have much to be proud of...and their coach...is a WONDERFUL person...new this year to the varsity coaching level and had a large part to do with turning over this bunch of kids to the level they are now playing at (as he has coached most all of them up to this point) and there is a bond and a trust that has developed between them. He treats them to fresh fruit every home game and Tim-Bits...and purchases enough Gatorade to fill the water cooler along with ice...he takes care of his brood...my daughter actually says "He spoils us." But I believe that what each one of these girls gives him back is way more than he could ever expend. So I believe that this "spoiling" goes both ways!!

There is NOTHING like the pride we feel when we see young people put their ALL into something not for ANYONE else but THEMSELVES and the TEAM they have voluntarily become a part of...each carries their own load (and then some) and it profits EVERYONE. I smile to myself thinking that these kids have no idea how GIFTED we adults feel in JUST THAT. This is one of those gifts they will find out for themselves when they themselves step into the role of nurturing the younger generation. They THINK they get the best of it because they are the active participants...however, from where we sit, the view is most clear and most beautiful and it really has NOTHING at all to do with US...it is ALL about them!!

"If I have seen further than others, it is by standing (bystanding) upon the shoulders of giants."~Sir Isaac Newton.

I will sign today..."Mama-G"

Photosynthesis and growth....

Another morning of no sunshine :( and it has been quite chilly. You should not have to use your heat in the middle of May! It was another night of tossing and turning...there is something bothering me...only I am not quite sure what it is...I sat and wrote out and paid all my bills yesterday thinking those things "undone" were keeping me awake, my laundry is caught up, house is clean...and still..restless sleep. I'm feeling a bit discouraged I guess. Maybe that is what it is. All these periods of adjustment all at once and then there are those damned hormones that are merciless in a 40-som'n-year-old lady...yeah, there are those! I just do the best I can and search out the lasting things in my life and take a hit of the encouragement they possess, inhale it, hold it in....and let it out...maybe if I cough...ah nevermind..babbling again. Just sayin' if I could get a litte light therapy...ya know, some warmth from the SUN maybe, I could correct this vitamin D deficiency, and maybe I would feel a little better. Not complaining about the rain at all...just missin' the sun!!

WOW..and again I surprise myself as I babble..."not complaining about the rain...just missin' the sun." An example of how my mind works its way into meaningful thought....and how I can read from workings of nature what goes on in my very own life and relate it. Busy mind...busy indeed. But all-in-all, reminds me and assures me that I am indeed a part of the bigger picture.

AND the questions begin: When does the sun decide to shine...when does the rain decide when to fall...I guess if I look around, it is probably when it is ready to. There really isn't a very tangible explanation for that. There is no time-line, no schedule, it just happens...and all of nature just waits patiently for it without complaint (sometimes, it elicits the help of we human helpers with our garden hoses)--but hey, that's what we are here for right...to work with...to recognize when one of our fellow earth-dwellers is parched and needs a little drink and then offer it. And when we do, we save a life and we are rewarded by beautiful blooms and sweet perfume....don't we wish that dealing with each other was that easy! But we have this little thing we call a MIND and things called instict and we WANT all the time and this want can take our minds and insticts to places that overpower our emotions or overwhelm them...and then we have that fallout to deal with.

If I were to think of myself as a flower...rooted in one place..a place that was essential and the conditions were perfect for my growth, the sun shined on me, the water fell on me, the soil nourished me and I bloomed beautifully RIGHT WHERE I WAS, why would I want anything more? That would be my entire purpose and I would have all I need to live and reveal that. Sometimes though, it is a matter of finding that perfect place where all the conditions seem to be in harmony....and being that we DO have a mind, it is usually up to us to FIND that place on our own...and most times, I do believe we have a little assistance (though again, a lot of times so subtle, it is overlooked).

I think this is the period I am in right now...my days and nights are mixed up...I wanna sleep during the day and lay awake at night, I'm missing the sun, I've had too much rain. My conditions right now are just not conducive to my growth...but I wait patiently while I actively search for a place to plant myself! In everyhing beneficial, there is action...even in being patient and waiting. If we were to just sit around and wait, we would stagnate in the same undesirable conditions.

"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disaapear and obstacles vanish."~John Quincy Adams

"The flower that follows the sun does so even on the cloudy days'"~ Robert Leighton.

Signing today....Morning glory.

Wherever you go...go with all your heart.

Hi to all who stop by today!

I'm kind of at a loss as to what to talk about this morning...IMAGINE THAT! Mark it on your calendars and remember this day becuz these are very few and far-between in the world of a curious and active mind! I did have chance to revisit the college yesterday to drop off a paper that my daughter forgot to hand in that was due yesterday to one of my favorite professors when I attended. He expressed "missing me" and when I came back, urged me to PLEASE take one of his courses. Made me nostalgic. I want so bad to return...and next spring..THAT, I will do. I left things unfinished there, and I am not one to do this. I completed one year of my 2-year degree (which was to eventually work into a Masters this time). I returned for my 3rd semester and completed half of that and had to withdraw to save my GPA as there were things of a personal nature distracting me enough to sink my grades at midterm to D's. Yeah...me, little miss Type-A...I could NOT live with that, nor did I believe that I could, at that time, turn that trend around...so in that sobered realization, I apprehensively withdrew...and it cost me 1/2 a semester of time, all the work, and $800...but to me it was a small price to pay to keep my 3.8 GPA intact...because I was focused on the PRIZE, the ends. I don't ever want to do ANYTHING just to get through it...if I am gonna do anything, it has to be done to the best of my ability, or it is just not worth doing at all. I am NOT just a "go with the motion" type of girl, that is for damn sure. To me, I paid a very small price...a moment in time and some money...big deal...to PRESERVE something of way more importance...the very hard, concentrated work that was representative of me, my abilities, and time well-spent the first year. To continue on when I knew that neither my heart nor my mind was in it would have in the end, robbed me of what I had worked so hard for. I also knew that all of my effort would HAVE to be placed where I WAS...and that was not in a classroom nor was it in writing papers, working problems, and the like. I understood my limitations and chose to pay the smaller of the two prices. It is an engrained attitude of mine to show the best of myself in everything I do, and if I am in a position where the best of me is not shining through....then it just has to be tanked...for a time. I will leave NOTHING unfinished. I do not quit BUT I am very attuned to my limitations. I weigh my options, consider outcomes, and then make the best decision in that light. No harm, no foul. Once I scrape up that money, the slate is clean and I will begin again and I will produce a work that I feel worthy of placing my name upon. I leave myself with opportunity, always. The flip side of that would have been to continue on (and things got even worse in the circumstances that led to my withdrawing), I would have failed out, totally ruined any opportunity to transfer if that was indeed what I chose to do to continue, and would have always lived with the regret that I had NOT taken that time out...and I would have had to pay my entire tuition back...because grants are based upon a GPA standard. And then, the entire 2 years would have been a waste, and I would have felt like a compete failure.

WOW. Even in the loss of something to say....my automatic pilot just kicks in I guess...

So the message for today kids is, I guess...be true to yourselves, weigh your options, make your choices carefully, consider consequences in light of every cirumstance...because the outcome of those choices will ALWAYS reflect who you really are. We will always have these little unforeseen circumstances that just seem to pop up from nowhere that we are unprepared to deal with...there may be enough temptation in them to make you consider turning away from yourself, but my experience dictates that if you look at what this decision will do to your overall state of well-being and how it will reflect back upon you, you will make the right decision every time. And there will be a "smaller" price to pay...but after that debt is taken care of or moved beyond, you walk away intact, your integrity and character preserved, and opportunity will be awaiting you with open arms and contained within it another CHANCE..that you gave to yourself...with no burden put upon another to afford it to you.

Just as you wouldn't put your name upon anything you feel unworthy of donning it...you EMBODY your name... and how much MORE important is the LIFE YOU LEAD to your name?

"A perfection of means and a confusion of aims seems to be our main problem."~Albert Einstein.

"Means we use be as pure as the ends we seek."~Martin Luther King Jr.

XOXOXOOXOXOOXOX
Will sign this today...Encouraged.

Seasons....

Good morning everyone!

Rain, rain, and s'more rain! I absolutely love the way the air smells first thing in the morning tho...wish it were just a tad-bit warmer so I could comfortably sit on the porch with my morning ritual to ring in the new day. Tried it yesterday...made it about 1/2 way through my cup of coffee and was freezin' my little tuppy off..so I came back inside...though this is something that I look forward to as the days progress to more seasonally-appropriate weather! I had the worst vertigo attack last night in the middle of the night...it actually woke me and then I had to lay there locked up in the same position for hours because any movement of my head whatsoever elicited such a terrible room spinning effect, it nauseated me and gave me the sweats...Gosh, I hate when that happens. I still feel slightly off-balance, but it is NOTHING like it was...thank GOD. But as I sit this morning and type, my entire body is aching and stiff from being in the same position all those hours. It's a little bit of a slow-go for me to be sure.

Well, my youngest daughter's senior prom was Saturday...she looked so beautiful! This was her first prom without a date...so she went with a couple of her girlfriends...and their chariot to the ball was a black stretch limo with all the cool lighting in the ceiling and the stocked bar (although they consumed sparkling grapejuice)...but it was a pretty classy way to end their "prom career." To top it off, she got queen! That brings the prom queen tally in this house up to 2 in total. I never went to a prom or a dance or ANY school function for that matter because the LAST place I wanted to be was the school when I DIDN'T have to be there!! Shit, I was hardly ever there when I was supposed to be!! Boy, what a rebel I was...my kids are in disbelief when I tell them of my trek down the trail of adolescence and young adulthood. And though they have a lot of the traits I now possess as a "seasoned adult", they are nothing like I was at their age....but this is a good thing...they have learned a lot of the things through my example that I had to learn all by myself the very hard way...so they are advanced and maybe have a little clearer of a start to their life on their own without all the tripping-up and redeeming. I'm sure they will have their own share of struggles...maybe even those I didn't, but I feel so fortunate to be the one who will be there for them just in case they do.

I watched the dynamic of my household with three and compare it with the dynamic of mine growing up that consisted of ME..by nearest sibling was 12 years older than I, so he left home when I was in first grade. I will tell you, I probably would have had 6 kids if time, sanity, and money would have allowed!! It is much better to have more than a single child..there is always someone to guide you...someone to feed off of, compete with, and someone close enough to your age who understands. The eldest has the toughest job...but he handled it well all things considered. I am very proud of my children and I had no REAL problems with them with any kind of rebellion really...I was pretty liberal with them, allowed them to make their own decisions, held them to an attainable standard in performance and behavior...and they pretty much did all the succeeding on their own. Contrary to popular belief, you cannot give your children self-esteem or self-respect...that's why it is called..well, you get the idea...BUT we can provide the right environment for that to happen all on its own....mostly through support.

Though it will be my last year of class-clowns, basketball legends, football centers, colorguard stars, softball catchers, honor society students, writer's awards, and prom queens...I can say that I as a mommy, have had a pretty good run...I've experienced my greatest joys as a human being just by the blessing bestowed upon me that enabled me to share space with these people and being referred to as "mom". A part of me is saddened to know that all of these things that were once part of my everday existence will now become mere memories, but there are milestones ahead and moments of joy and pride to come as I watch them begin this life I have so proudly and unregrettably prepared them for.

I salute the next generation and am excited to see the changes they bring to humanity...I believe great things are going to happen with this bunch of kids...they may even represent a turning point in our world...I can see this deep empathy for those less fortunate already at work in my own!! I think this is a trait that all in this generation share...they have been witness to the worst of it, I think...change gonna come!

Have a great day everyone and HUG THOSE BABIES!!

"And then I go to my brother and I say 'brother, help me please'..but he winds up knocking me back down on my knees. Oh there been times that I thought that I couldn't last for long, but now I think I'm able to carry on. It's been a long, a long time comin...but I KNOW a change gonna come, oh yes it will."~Sam Cooke.

Hope for the best/prepare for the worst...

Hello!!

Well, this is a rather uncustomary late start for me here today...BUT..it IS Sunday and my only day off...AND..to be quite honest, I have a lot that I would like to express, only I am beginning to have second thoughts about expressing it...as it is one of those situations where you let someone know a little too much about yourself, and then it comes back to bite you and it impresses upon you a limitation of sorts...so as I have been mulling it over most of the day, it really was a "should I even post anything today at all" or "should I not" kinda deal really....but if I don't today for this specific reason, then I won't tomorrow or the next day...and so on. So because I have a higher purpose for all of this to begin with, I decided that not doing it would be just ridiculous. I am not too big on censorship anyway....especially if it isn't self-imposed but brought on by secondary effect.

I would like to talk a bit today about naivety/gullibility versus hope/acceptance. There seems to be a place in some people's minds where these qualities become enmeshed and there is no difference between them. Being gullible or naive is an innocent ignorance. It is a state within itself where one truly doesn't know, YET trusts what he/she is being told to them by another or shown to them is truth. This usually happens when they have not been exposed to an alternative or difference. It is sort of a lack of common sense...but to someone who hasn't maybe had a chance to experience or gain hands-on knowledge of the subject matter at hand. It is very easy to fool someone like this because they have no basis of arguement against it...and they TRUST. Now, hope and acceptance can appear much like gullibility and naivity, BUT...they are a whole different creature altogether. They are more made of WANTING to believe and accept it as such. See, hope UNDERSTANDS that there are no definites...but gives the benefit of the doubt because it is the thing that CHANCES are made of---Ones we take and ones we give. We accept and hope what we are being told and shown is truth...that is a totally different thing than BELIEVING IT. Trust is not so easily given in the latter instance neither..but it is always available IF what we are made to hope for and accept indeed comes to fruition by ACTION. Dig it??

Now in gullibility and naivety, because it is not based on common sense, there is a sense of the invisible at work here...missing pieces...but they are not seen because the seer only sees and believes what he/she is LED to. These are usually traits of those who have had very limited exposure to life at large and are in the learning curve....

Those who extend hope and acceptance understand that everything is not as it appears and nothing is ever perfect. Most anything is subject to toil and burden but we HOPE it isn't. We forge ahead KNOWING full well because we have LIVED this life, we have felt the disappointment, we have caused the disappointment, we have asked for second chances or we have extended them to another, sometimes things work out the way we hope and sometimes, they just don't. We want to believe the best in others, we want to believe they will change if they display behavior that warrants that or they themselves admit there is a need...HOPE gives them the chance to do this...not gullibility...HOPE.

So before you go about trying to make someone believe something that they in fact have been proven many times before that the odds are against their believing...know that the chance they give you is made of hope---you are NOT FOOLING them...they, in conrast, ARE BELIEVING IN YOU.

In either case, gullibility or hope...what a shame to abuse someone's TRUST or FAITH IN YOU because you merely enjoy pulling strings. How dare you play upon someone's nature to win the game you unwittingly pull them into playing...But on the flip side, in all fairness, there are those who accept this gift of hope that someone bestows upon them and uses it for all it is worth to redeem because they are as disappointed in themselves for the offense as the one who is offended by it. They want to show them that it was something that they DID, not someone who they are...unfortunately, when patterns again and again show themselves leaning toward offensive behavior, the naive eventually graduate to hopeful and the hopeful move on to disappointed and the disappointed eventually become unattached.

Recognizing hope for what it is and treating it as the gift that it is CAN indeed make you a winner over what seems to be a losing situation...the flip of this is being the loser of what could have been a winning situation. Your choice...discern.

I will sign this today...JADED.

Nice to know you

Nice to know you...

Hi everyone!!

It smells absolutely incredible outside this morning!! Ya know that "dirty/wormy" smell that sometimes comes after a rain...yeah, it's not that...it's a fresh, clean scent..almost like how my clothes smell right after I wash them...it is SO green out there and even under somewhat dark skies, everything seems so "happy & bright." While taking a smoke stroll outside yesterday, I noticed that one of my bunches of little blue wildflowers (the ones growing out of the step on the left side) looked a little droopy...it seems that they are at a disadvantage as they don't get much direct sunlight, they kinda sit in the shadows...and they even looked a bit parched...so out I went with my watering vessel to try to perk them up a bit...it would be such a shame to have them just wither and die on me...so it is up to be to take care of them as much as it is in my power to do so.

Hmmm...disadvantaqe..where we are placed...withering..nurturance...back to life...on that line, I had a couple instances yesterday where I was called upon to make some sense of someone elses struggle and give encouragement. One was a family member, and another was a friend. Both of these struggles I had myself experienced (the surface means of its onset may have differed, but resultant root was the same). One was of smaller magnitude than the other to be sure...but each very LARGE to the person experiencing it. The ages and life-experience were also of significance...the younger of the two was what I would term a self-limiting "obstacle" in the road, while the older of the two had fallen into the hole and was buried....but within each of these struggles, a message is contained. Each had unwittingly expressed an outside "reason" or object of blame that initiated this process within themselves, and one was more accepting of what I had to say than the other...as you probably guessed, it was the family member...who also happens to be the younger of the two and whose struggle is more a slight tweek in her attitude, a less-invasive LOOK inside, and a trust that has been built in my words by "knowing" me her entire life. But the other...more life experience, more indentity built, more belief engrained, and less of a relationship with me....not to mention, jumping a hurdle is way easier than digging yourself out of a hole when you have no idea how you got there and no digging utensils to help you out...it gets suffocating down there...it is cold, dark, and then the deprivation of light starts to mess with your mind. As I had mentioned, I had gone through BOTH of these myself and sitting on the other side of these issues, I KNOW that each can overcome...I'm living proof.

Concentrating on the latter of these two scenarios because it is my most recent transcendence and the largest and most difficult...I would like to term what my friend is going through as a "dark night of the soul"...and the name can be misleading as the TIME element of the discription cannot be measured by OUR time..it is instead "spirit" time...so this can last as long as it HAS to but in this dark night..you experience a COMPLETE emptying of everything. You begin to question yourself to depths you NEVER thought you would ever question..it splays your identity out onto a cutting board and begins slicing it very THINLY--much like a diagnostic MRI...at an almost cellular level, you PICK YOURSELF APART...there is immense confusion, you feel STUCK with no way out...the usual "pros and cons" approach has absolutely no place here because any element of understanding or placing reason to it does not apply at all...and there IS no way out...UNTIL THERE IS (the appointed time). You are there to EXPERIENCE it..and quite frankly there is no way that you CANNOT...because it envelops you, won't leave you alone..You can almost feel a drawing nature to it...something has LED you there for a reason...but because we are also HUMAN, we have this DIRE need to place some sort of logic to everything, and I am sorry...in this particular phenomenon...there is none when you are in the "confinement stage." But rest assured, this DOES come later. What I did not know at the time (and what my friend at least has my experience to draw upon) is that it was a preparatory phase for what I would later emerge. And as I sit and think back...its quality is much like a physical conception. Nine months CONFINED in the dark with no thoughts...just feelings...no preconceived notions, just BEING...DEVELOPMENT...a preparatory phase for the moment of BIRTH, the moment of true freedom, but one has to stay until the appointed time in order for everything to be at its maximal capacity to SUSTAIN and continue to develop past this period of confinement where it at some point all becomes a very distant memory. This is a time of spiritual rebirth...and those who HANG ON through it, persevere, and let happen AROUND them what WILL.... emerge with the strength, veracity, resilience, and resolve that each of us did when we took our first breath of freedom outside of our mother's bodies. As much as you feel during this time that you don't know what to believe anymore and you begin to even mistrust yourself in the decisions you make, you feel your vision had never been clear to begin with....DON'T GIVE UP. This is a process of development where we are made to face our DARKNESS, our UGLINESS, our shadow. You have to stay a while to get fully acquainted with this part of yourself, but if you TRULY are LOVE...you will come to accept and love this part of yourself as well and integrate it into your whole being instead of separating yourself from it by repressing it...which is what causes this entire phenomenon to begin with. If you OWN yourself, there are the not-so-attractive parts that have to be owned as well and deserve to be loved...repression is NOT your friend...but we all do it..if we are to be ONE, we first have to be whole..and to be honest with ya'll there are USES for this repressed shadow...it quite possibly holds the virtues of "toughness" that turn that wish-bone into a back-bone and holds the hand up and says "ENOUGH" and it begins to work WITH you instead of against you...DIG IT MY PEOPLE? If it is likened to its physical counterpart of conception, confinement, development, and birth...you have to take this as "remembering where we came from" in a spiritual sense...right?? Right!! For every physical function and manifestation, there is a spiritual parallel. "Perspective pries your once-weighty eyes, and it GIVES YOU WINGS."

MUCH LOVE...big, big bunches!! Now get ya asses outside and love up some of this nature!!

"There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known."~Luke 12:2.

Child's play..

I am greeted once again by the break of another beautiful day. The weatherman says that we are going to be experiencing some rain (a few days worth)--well, I guess we all “pay” eventually for those things we really want, don’t we. I am not gonna complain, I guess 6 days of beautiful weather in a row with 80-degree temps yesterday makes a gray day easier to deal with!! I know I begin most of my posts with a comment on the weather…but those of us who live in upstate NY understand why…we are seriously appreciating THIS!! But I can take the rainy days too.

I can pretty much find something beautiful in everything….even those undesirable things, things that are easily tossed aside, forgotten, or overlooked. More than the purpose of the rain to aid in growth, protection, and afford our earth a blanket of green…it has a fragrance of its own, and the denseness added to the air from moisture also carries fragrance from the flowers, and a sound that promotes a sort-of calming effect in our bodies, it also cools the earth and the air much like the expulsion of sweat cools our bodies…and let’s face it…without rain…there would be NO rainbow, right? The only reason why we complain about rain really is because it seems to inconvenience us is some way…how shallow! “OMG, it is raining and I had planned on getting a few holes of golf in today…or I just washed my car, OF COURSE it rains, I just did my hair“…and the list of complaints goes on and on…ALL of them centered around our inconvenience. I am just as guilty…especially when it comes days on end. I remember days of hard rain when I was a kid, and it NEVER stopped us from doing anything…as a matter of fact, the sewer drain would clog and the street would flood up over the curb and we would jump right in as if it were a make-shift pool or something, playing and splashing…always “making lemonade“…kids are so accepting and resilient when it comes to these pesky inconveniences of nature we adults incessantly complain about. Same with the snow. As a kid, I would sit attentively watching the weather HOPING we would get DUMPED on so we could sled, and build snow forts, have snowball fights, build snow-people, make snow angels….it seems that childhood has a purity and wisdom that gets tarnished as the EGO begins to develop and we submit to condition.

I am learning that no matter how much things change…they CAN stay the same…it is just a matter of will and attitude. We confine OURSELVES, restrict OURSELVES, and then we blame society or mother nature…because we are more concerned with being a part than just BEING. Take a minute to just think back…didn’t we all at one point rebel in some way to the norms in adolescence? Maybe this was the purest part of us recognizing that as we grow, our freedom was going to be stripped by some unspoken censored CODE threatening our individuality….but we concede, adapt, and blend right in and we don’t even realize it UNTIL WE DO.

That being said, I have bigger fish to fry and bigger problems with greed and the power structures--governmental/corporate entities that threaten to keep us restricted than I do those things that promote GROWTH…if it rains where you are today…run outside, dance, stomp in a puddle, go ahead and get those holes of golf in, wash your car in it, hell…wash your HAIR in it…whatever…ALLOW yourself to enjoy the smell, the feel, the sound of it…be a kid again…regress back to a time when just waking up everyday was exciting and in itself lent us a new opportunity to live whatever our mind could conceive…make some “lemonade”…refresh yourself, enjoy yourself, unleash yourself from being a victim of circumstance…we have enough of that imposed on us from others, don’t we? Don’t reduce who you are in any way to self-censorship…it is unwarranted, unhealthy, and a detriment to a BETTER you and (believe it or not) society as a whole.

“This life is yours. Take the power to choose what you want to do and do it well. Take the power to love what you want in life and love it honestly. Take the power to walk in the forest and be a part of nature. Take the power to control your own life. No one else can do it for you. Take the power to make your life happy.”~Susan Polis Schutz

I raise my shotglass to all those sobering moments...SALUTE!

Greetings to all of whom stop by today!!!

It is another BEA-U-TI-FUL day here and I hope the sun is shining bright where you are!! I hear that the temps are gonna be edging up to 80 today!! Hallelujah!! We are 5/5 here on weather that is FINALLY complying with the season...

I had already begun to type my blog entry this morning, but I was really at a loss--and usually as I sit down, I just start rambling (you know how I do), and a point usually just works its way into the mix...however, this morning, I had NUTHIN! I had a bit of sleep deprivation last nite...oh I got there okay...but around 3 a.m., I was wide awake and the tossing and turning from there commenced...I HATE when that happens..tho, I have been pretty fortunate the past couple of months and can say that this is the first time in a while that this has happened. Anyhow, I digress a bit...but yeah, I typed a bunch of crap and nothing was coming of it..AND THEN...something happened with one of my daughters that completely upset me and hence, my facebook status this morning..."well, ain't that just a sobering slap in the face!!" I deleted my previous post, went to my desk to suck up my daily dose of my 8 hours of HELL (not too pleased with the work I do, nor the supposed sustenance it "only in theory" provides), to find that there were "no jobs available." Now that is a seperate hour-long post in itself, but today, I will look upon this as a blessing to be able to use THAT time to be able to do what I LOVE and I feel really makes some sort of contribution (small as it may seem).

What happened between my daughter and I this morning will be the content of this post, as AGAIN, there are some HARD truths in it for both of us--The content sort-of even relates back to a previous post entitled "Im taking myself back" but really, there is a common thread between them all I guess.

When I began this blog, I did it because I have always had a PASSION for writing and expressing myself through this medium. I have often thought about writing a book..and have had friends who have read my writing even tell me that I should. Funny, the BEST compliment I had EVER received in my ENTIRE LIFE was that from my English professor, for whom I hold an infinate amount of esteem...she said "Funny, when I read your writing, I can actually hear your voice." WOW!! Now...maybe some of you would say...DUH?! But that said to me that through this medium, I would be and could be heard, understood, and maybe even a little appreciated and it also meant to me that the words I put down on paper really didn't vary greatly from the words that customarily come out of my mouth in casual conversation. It said to me that writing was probably an embodiment of WHO I was...it was genuine to me. Now being that I am approaching that empty-nest time in my life that I mentioned in the prior post referenced above, I decided that it was time to get myself out there, and begin to exercise this "life for me" thingy a bit. I have to tell you that THIS blog has proven to brighten my days, affords me an outlet, and creates a niche for MYSELF that has strengthened me and gives me assurance that I have SOME value outside of "who I am to or what I can do for others." The message that I try to send in my writing has always been and will always be one of BUILDING, STRIVING, SEARCHING, FINDING, RESTORATION, RESILIENCE and QUESTIONING, CONQUERING, and EMERGENCE...because these are things that WE ALL have in common...the things that tie us together in this life, the things that make us ALIKE.

With all of that being said, I realized today that quite frankly, my kids are SPOILED--GNUHGGGG..scuse me while I swallow this LARGE "jagged" PILL. The dynamic of what went on here in my kitchen this morning proved that to me...I am not saying by any stretch that my kids are "bad" in any way whatsoever...they are VERY good people...but their vision is a bit too self-involved, if ya know what I mean..and at their ages and with what living examples they have been exposed to, I guess I would expect a little more BEING the example of the example...can you dig it? I know that my son (24) exhibits some of these "embodiment of the example" traits, as when he comes for visits, we have some pretty great conversations, of which I feel like a HUMAN being more and a mommy less...and isn't that the way things are supposed to evolve...this is certainly the way I had planned them to evolve. See, my kids are really not used to mom being identified as anything other than MOM..what I am to THEM, what I do FOR THEM. In other words, to them, I am not supposed to have anything of interest or taking up my time but THEM. No attention should be paid to anything other than if it is to benefit them in some way...and I suppose this is partly my fault. This is the way it has always been...THEY always came before ME, my support was theirs, my understanding was theirs, my time was theirs, my money was theirs, my pretty much EVERYTHING was theirs. My joy was derived from the pride they had in themselves when they accomplished something and how they were growing from each new experience that life offered and they were driven enough to seek and excel in-- how every one of these experiences added to their life resume a host of wonderful character traits such as drive, honoring commmittments, work ethic, self-respect, personal responsibility, and that EVERYTHING they did was for themselves, not for ME or anyone else for that matter...they do it because of the reward THEY find in it.

WOW, this is working into a rather "WINDY" post...I am so sorry..trying to condense.. Anyway, my daughter did something this morning; and this act, the words that she used, and the intent behind what she did was probably the most hurtful thing I had ever had done to me..and out of NOTHING but selfishness. This made me sit back and think...WOW, these kids are seriously not seeing BEYOND anything I have done, who I am, or ANYTHING besides how my existance benefits them...THIS IS NOT supposed to be the outcome here. Needless to say, it immediately reduced me to tears. It is a very sobering time when you realize that the most meaningful parts of yourself that you extend to them with not even a thought--the very traits that make you the "person" that they have come to depend upon for EVERYTHING..from their most basic needs (material), as well as being their biggest fan, their most trusted coach, their doctor, their sounding board, their supporter, and the one who offered guidance just long enough for them to BECOME ALL THEY COULD BE on their own..and who feels almost discomforted by taking any credit for whom they have done the work to become...THEMSELVES...the one who has always been more than content to just watch them shine and go on with my days knowing that I wouldn't have to worry about them once they spread their wings out there all on their own...only to be looked upon as nothing but the MERE TITLE of it all. Perhaps, breaking down everything I did for them into reasons...such as I work my ass off so that I can provide you with a HOME..a place you will always be welcomed that will contain within it..memories, laughter, and comfort. I attend your events because I am proud of you and the memories that I hold so dear to my heart will be the only thing I have of THIS moment in time when you shined so bright, I wear sweats and tee shirts so that you can look the best you can in your brand-name clothing, I lose sleep when you are sick because I care about your well-being more than sleep, I am democratic in the way I run my household because that I happen to believe that no matter your age, your feelings and input are important and I have respect for you, I am available and open to you to discuss things that are important to you (and perhaps very personal) because I want you to know that there is NOTHING you cannot talk with me about, I discipline you because there are dangers out there that you may not outrightly see right now, but I have LIVED and learned the hard way from and want to spare you from needless pain or harm. I put the best parts of ME in YOU...I am a human being first...I am who I am first...and it is WHO I AM that you call MOM. PLEASE do not reduce me to a name that you call me everyday...but look at the attributes that make me what is most important to you...that's all I ask.

And I write this blog because it is a promise I made to myself, and honoring such is very important to me, and if you would take a minute to stop by and read it, you may see that those things I extend to you are really not limited to YOU..this blog is made up of the very things my "role" to you is made, only YOU will not be home forever, and then what happens to the best work I have ever done? I am ME...in ALL THAT I DO...and I can see that my example has brushed off on you...look in the mirror my darling babies...I am very proud to acknowledge that the best of ME shines in YOU...are you??? Maybe you just need a little more time to see it in yourselves...before you can see it in me...I LOVE YOU PHILIP, MALLORY, and MICHAELA...

"Good, honest, hardheaded character is a function of the home. If the proper seed is sown there and properly nourished for a few years, it will not be easy for that plant to be uprooted." ~George A. Dorsey

"There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings." ~Hodding Carter, Jr.

Allowing my dreams to become reality

Good morning everyone!

Well, my mind sure was BUSY last night while I slept. Some very strange dreams, the players of which were people I had thought about or communicated with yesterday...the settings and situations though..whoa..I don't know what to make of any of it..I don't think my mind stayed with one scenario to completion at all...it seemed that it just bounced from one to another aimlessly...although as I sit and think about the feelings each one of these "very random" scenarios elicted in me in the dreamstate, I can sort of narrow the nonsense to a tangible and maybe even applicable scenario to real life, I guess. Though at the point I sit to type, I have still only had 1/2-cup of coffee, and although I have been mulling this over in my mind since I opened my eyes this morning, I still haven't made perfect sense of any of it...but I have dissected it a bit relying on the feelings I had in each of these scenarios and a personal struggle of sorts I have been dealing with.

First of all, I noticed something VERY disturbing about myself last nite as I sat and tried to figure out the actions of another...funny how that happens...but there are times when how someone behaves around you is directly related to things you say to them, how you treat them, and in those, the message you are sending. Although it is not healthy to restrict yourself either vocally or in a manner of your behavior based on how another treats you...I can see very good reasons why this would happen. And speaking from the perspective that I am....as the offender, I can say that it was and has been unrecognized by me, a nasty little habit maybe, and engrained thought process of protection and being guarded and maybe even a little paranoid. I can tell you WHY I do this...pain/fear/uncertainty. It seems that this person's behavior may be mirroring from mine. Funny how I sit here and say to myself "what the hell is going on here, why does this person DO this, what is the REASON", I now am asking myself the same question.

To clarify this obvious rambling of a chaotic state...and break it down so to speak a bit (becuz I know ya'll are probably just thinking...POINT??). I will get a little personal here becuz exposing myself is really of no consequence to me. The personal struggle of which I refer has to do with someone who has been a very large part of my life for a very long time...this person has hurt me in ways I never thought imaginable, but there is a LOVE, compassion, and mindset of acceptance that I carry with me all of the time...and it isn't limited to people who are "nice" to me and "good" to me all of the time. Is it a good thing to consistently "accept" this kind of thing from certain people in your life? Probably not...but IT IS essential to always LOVE and have compassion for them. None of us can BE the mind of another, BE the heart of another, BE the actions of another. Just as I have reasons why I am who I am, others have those reasons as well...and it is only my place to UNDERSTAND. My struggle comes into play as to how close or how distant should this particular love, compassion, and acceptance be exercised in order for it to be healthy for both involved. As I had mentioned earlier...the way I TREAT this person, the things that come out of my mouth, I am only responsible for THAT. That is the only thing I can control. Trying to figure out why another does the things they do is a waste of time. Maybe adjusting the way I relate to this person alone may go a long way in solving this problem. As I had mentioned, this person hurt me deeply...becuz I have compassion for him and love him, my "MISSION" has become to HELP him figure out WHY he does the things he does. See, I make it a dedicated work to always look inside of myself and have become accustomed to asking myself the difficult questions becuz I want to be the BEST ME I can be...and in that, I want to be the best ME to others that I can be..but I notice that I seem to be taking the place of HIM in this process. I am asking him the difficult questions, telling him the things he maybe should be saying to himself..because I have no problem with telling myself the cold, hard truth about myself...it is the vehicle for CHANGE and clipping off the branches of myself that no longer work for me in my purpose of keeping with WHO I am. I find every conversation I have with this person that I seem to be redirecting him...inward. It is not my intent to INSULT, but I am coming off like a know-it-all, and nothing he says seems to be GOOD enough for me...a lot of it I don't believe..and THIS is what elicits this in me I think...I want so bad to believe but I see no signs of this in "casual chatter."

So, after this long-winded blabber about shit you probably don't care about whatsoever, I have come to the conclusion that no matter what this person does or says, it never seems to be "good enough" becuz I am stuck in not UNDERSTANDING any of it. The confusion that this person has caused and continues to create in my life has made me overly critical of everything he does and says and it's not my job to look inside of him anymore, it is his own. One may say that "he brought it on himself by the things he has done" but it is my own responsibility to either LET IT IN or just LET IT GO.

So a sincere heart-felt apology I send to this person (you know who you are) for my incessant redirection and need to understand...for making you feel as if any random thought you have is unapplicable and unimportant. I have been trying to do the work for you or at the very least, have been trying to guide you to do it for yourself..but whether or not I see evidence that this work is being done at all is really of no consequence to me anymore. My motivation: Love, concern, confusion, uncertainty, discomfort, a sense of urgency, tying up loose ends.

Now back to the central theme of the dreams:
Confusion/unfinished business--depicted by about 4 dreams with totally different scenarios that never concluded, but blended one into another.

A misinterpretation of time--Looking at the clock and realizing I had not set them for daylight savings.

Stranding myself/confusion--Leaving my car at the last place I was thinking I had left it at the place I was prior.

Reliance--trying to find someone to take me back to my car.

Sense of urgency--having a random stranger "catapult" me back to my left-behind car via some gadget that got me to a destination about an hour away in 5 minutes.

And lastly, for some reason, at the conclusion of my sleep, when I awoke this morning, I had thoughts of Noah and the Arc (not the first time) and I am not "religious" in any form, but it prompted me to look into it a little deeper to see how it may have related to my circumstance or the message the dreams were trying to send. Things that stuck out to me:

1. Purpose. 2. Instruction. 3. Compliance. 4. Time-line. 5. Shelter/protection. 6. Seperation. 7. Abandonment/destruction. 8. Patience. 9. FAITH. 10. A promise of a better life.

So maybe not as confusing, random, and senseless as it may have appeared :) ANYTHING THAT REACHES YOU, TEACHES YOU!!

Hope I didn't bore you...Much LOVE...PEACE!!

Here's to new beginnings...our "springs"

What is up people!!

Looks like it's gonna be another beautiful day here and I hope whereever you are reading this from, it is just as beautiful there for you!! Boy some nice weather here has been way LOOONG overdue. It has been an especially long and tough winter...spring has had to FIGHT its way through this year..I think we have had just a handful of days of upwards of 60-degree temperatures and sunshine...the seasonal affect disorder is a little slow in leaving this year too...Everything is late...I have not even turned over my flower garden soil yet...Usually, I am on my hands and knees, elbow-deep in dirt on that one isolated 60-degree day we get in April sometime. I did notice yesterday while meandering around my yard that there were two bunches of these beautiful little blue wild flowers growing on either side of my sidewalk and two little bunches of them growing right out of either side of the first step...right through the concrete!! This struck me, as every year, I sit on my porch and look over at my next-door neighbor's yard where there is a patch of these delicate-looking blooms and I say every year.."Awe, I want some of those." I have had to severely CUT my spending budget this year and that means even for my outside botany projects... :( Usually, neither money nor time is an object in adorning my home with bright and beautiful jewelry of nature. I had no choice but to look at these almost strategically-placed blooms that I had often admired in my neighbors yard flanking my sidewalk and upon that first step to the entry-way of my home as a little gift, just for me. It appears that they are beginning to spread to the crack between the first step and the end of the sidewalk as well...and I will just let them do so. How beautiful will that be. Nature's welcome mat. I will upload a pic and share once it has filled itself in. :)

This is pretty much an example of the nuances in life that most pass by and not give a single thought to. These are the smallest of things, but yet this had a HUGE impact on my attitude, my happiness, my self-esteem, and gave me the feeling that something bigger than I just KNEW that I would notice this seemingly coincidental "little" thing and treat it as I have...a little gift--that it would make me smile and let me know that even if I CAN'T...well, you get the idea. This is WHY I ALWAYS try to keep my heart in the right place, because if I do, I will be met there EVENTUALLY..(still workin' on that "patience" thingy)!!

Strange as it may sound to some...these tiny little things give me courage, faith, and hope and have the BIGGEST impact on me overall. They convince me that even when I feel the most alone, I'm not...when I feel I've lost my voice, I am listened to..when I feel sad, they make me smile...and that something (whatever you may choose to call it) KNOWS me so well. Don't overlook the "simple"...there is nothing more simple than ONE....and nothing contains more POWER. Don't misinterpret the saying "there is more strength in numbers"...as in these said "numbers", there has to be like-mind, like-goals, like work-ethic...in order to exhibit any kind of strength whatsoever..which would then make them a collective of sorts...a group..."A GROUP" singular...ONE. Lets go back to the beginning...the simple,it is there that the meaning to anything is found. Let those lessons that hindsight teach you how to look for something amazing NOW. I mean, isn't that what it's purpose is??

Much Love to all who stop by and read my ramblings and goings-on...a quote from a dear musician friend of mine.."Playing to 2 or 200, it doesn't matter, what matters is the REASON WHY I do it." So although readership would encourage me in my PURPOSE, the purpose stands in itself. It is a purging of thought that relates to lessons I've learned, and if ONE person reads, can relate, or feel encouraged, less alone, more valuable...then that is just a BONUS!! Embrace the day, breathe the air, notice the hint of fragrance in it, feel the soft breeze, listen to the song that nature sings..I guarantee, it will put a spring in your step and make you glad to be ALIVE!!

“God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way. The way we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them.”~Stanley Lindquist.

Morning has broken..

Incredibly beautiful morning!! The grass is so green and the view from my "spot" at the kitchen island is one of my across-the-street neighbors' impecably-kept lawn and a beautiful array of yellow daffodils and red tulips in their front-yard planters...the birds are singing, the sun bright, but slightly muted by and filtering through the branches of the old maple tree in my front yard and my doggy standing watch at the end of the the stair cap on my front porch like some sort of big, black, slightly-overweight gargoyle....ahhh...I love these kinds of mornings. You wake up and your head seems clear from the worries of yesterday and you look ahead to what THIS day will bring (with a little help from my buddy Juan)!

Ever wonder why people when faced with a major decision will say "let me sleep on it, and I will letcha know tomorrow"? -OR- someone will say TO you.."well, why dontcha just sleep on it and let me know tomorrow." I used to think to myself...that is just stupid!! Sleep on what? My reaction was probably due in part to the fact that when I was faced with a difficult decision, the last thing I COULD DO was sleep. I would lie awake in bed mulling it over until sleep eluded me. Or if I did sleep, that seemed I certainly didn't dream about some miraculous answer to that specific problem nor was I presented in a dream anything close to a vision of the best choice..so when I slept, it seemed the farthest thing from my mind. What relevance does this platitude have to waking the next morning with a clearer answer to a perplexing question?

This is a relevant topic for me these days as I have found that each day, my perspective seems to clear a little more and more with each day...and maybe this is the reason for "time heals all wounds" as well. I believe that something very wonderful happens to us when we sleep, that maybe we are not really aware of. Sleep, from a clinical standpoint is the time of regeneration of the cells in our bodies and the time where it is felt that most healing takes place. Why wouldn't it be the same for our psyches? Would it be so far out of line to think that maybe one of the greatest mysteries of how we sustain our sanity through times of wakeful chaos occurs in our subconcious mind? I had studied the art of meditation a few years back when I noticed that for some reason, I seemed to be having these peaks in intuition. They would come and go though, and I remember feeling this sense of "downing" when they would begin to diminish...like a heaviness...I would be sharp as a tack for about 2 weeks...and then NUTHIN!!But as time went on, I noticed that each of these peaking periods got a little longer and closer together--funny, almost like the contractions of childbirth. So I was definitely intrigued enough to research ANYTHING that would help me to corale these periods into a permanent state of being...as it was probably the most self-assured, peaceful, and unburdened I had ever felt in my life. Though I am no MASTER at this by any stretch, because I do still have periods of disappointment, dicouragement, and confusion...all these heavy, nasty little visitors from time to time...BUT...I can say that their stay has definitely been cut shorter. I would be hesitant to believe anyone who says "I NEVER worry"...or be afraid of people who are happy all the time...you know the type...always smiling, talking an octave higher than the general population, slight bounce in their step...greeting everyone who passes them by with all their sticky sweetness. To be honest...these are the ones who probably suppress everything and the most explosive...and I can almost hear the tick..tick..tick...oh boy...I digress..sorry...back to point.

I guess what I am trying to say here is we will all be confused, we will all have to weigh very difficult decisions, we will all worry, we will all be sad, disappointed, and even a little down on ourselves from time to time...and all of these heavy emotions have their place....if we only "visit" with them for a time and use them properly to gain fresh perspective. There will always be found in the most difficult of circumstances, the "difference." I believe that all of the hardest work we do on ourselves takes place in our "who we ARE" mind and in keeping with harmony, the "what we do" mind acts in unison.

So sleep on it...and see how you feel about it in the morning...and then sleep on it again, and see how you feel about it the morning after that...you will notice a progression in your thought process in a certain direction...where the vascillation back and forth seems to add more and more favor to one side and then more and more...your path becomes clear. There is a lot more than meets the "eye" to what happens when we sleep. Bank on it!!

Namaste..

Motherhood...a title not limited to those with children.

Good morning everyone and Happy Mother's Day to all the mommies out there!!

I must say that this is the first morning I have actually balked on topic of my blog...maybe I am just THINKING too much this morning...Usually, I begin with ordinary, everyday, casual banter that just sort-of all-by-itself works its way into a point. I trolled my Facebook home page, read all the well-wishes to all the mothers of the world, and threw a few greetings on there myself..and as I scrolled down, I stumbled upon a status of a young girl who went to school with my eldest (my son). Now, when my son was in school, I never really got to know her all that well, but since I have been a "facebook friend" of hers, I believe we have remedied that. I have read her status' and I have messaged her back and forth a bit...and I am amazed at the wisdom of such a young girl. Her status today read something like, and don't quote me...as it is not right in front of me, "why is it that Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, birthdays, etc., are the only days we see people buying flowers, cards, etc...when everyday is reason enough to give someone a flower and treat them special...get with it people!" May sound pretty simple and straightfoward and some may gloss over this as "someone's opinion", or those who see the cup as 1/2-full most times, would maybe even think...this girl has just desecrated the integrity of this day for some of the most important people who walk the planet!! But these words SO resonate with me. I will limit my thoughts about this and just give you my take on "motherhood" (as it is so-obviously applicable today) and I would be sadly amiss if I were to limit the immense responsibility of, the character of, the patience of, the selflessness of, the mindset of, and the condition of the heart of one of most regarded (and usually the least respected)positions a woman accepts in life.

First of all...Eve takes a big hit by everyone for eating that damn apple, doesn't she..geeezz...I have known quite a few ADAMS in this life who have been tempted by and bit into LESS than the nourishment of a nice juicy apple...so get over it already!! Let us not forget...that although (by Bible lore <--for lack of a more tangible word...that act made it so the human race thereafter would DIE and not live forever. If we look at this...first of all, the world is overpopulated as it is with people dying constantly...how do you think it would have held up with constant addition and nothing being removed? Common sense here people!! BUT, I digress...POPULATION...if Adam was the first human creation...and without EVE ("selfish bitch" as she was...<--facetious comment), Adam would have literally been "planting his seeds" in the ground, really. Now this goes back to EVERYTHING happens for a reason...Without EVE, there would BE no further generation..just sperm tossed to the wind...hehehehe...and then, what kind of interesting story would that have made?? And personally, I would like to take the opportunity to thank you Eve for eating that piece of fruit so we would have a REASON to make the greatest use of the limited time we have here in this world. When there are deadlines, we tend to work a little bit harder and make the work we do perform the best final product before the day we are judged by it...dig it? The sense of urgency that this "deadline" elicits could very well be (at least in-part)responsible for the most epic contributions the greatest minds of our time have made to this world, then, now, and in the future.

I could literally go on forever on just the subject of motherhood...as it has become such a huge part of who I have become. It has taught me the true meaning of LOVE...and there is no greater love than a MOTHER for her children...and it will be the "woman" who is responsible for showing the lost the way...we give life...we are the nurturers...and when a child is wounded, he/she will more readily run to the arms of his/her mother than anyone else. There seems to be an innate understanding that the compassion of a woman contains within it an unyielding power to heal and a truth found in her encouragement that sustains.

How easy could it have been for God to "create" another man from the dust of the earth and breathe into him the breath of life and the spirit to save the world? But no....Jesus was born of a woman...<---very important message there...if you don't limit it to a literal interpretation of the story...allow your mind to marinate on that for a minute...Ask yourself what message that really contains (if we are to apply these lessons to our lives now). What this means is that a woman is RESPONSIBLE for bringing forth the TRUTH, the WAY, and the LIFE...AND...I will add...there was no man used in that creation...IT IS PLACED THERE straight from God...we nurture it in our bodies, we ask no questions as to how it got there, we go through great pains and discomforts to give it life...and then put that responsibility above all else to embody it, tend to it, cultivate growth in it, and then finally, release it out into the world. So another take on MOTHERHOOD...a maybe more-universal take...but nonetheless..more in tune with how I see all things culminate to ONE...

And Monica...(if you are reading this)...I would like to wish YOU a Happy Mother's Day becuz the arms of motherhood stretch way farther than a physical manifestation of another "human" life...but is placed inside all we women..and those who personify it...are recognized by their fruit...I'd send you a flower or buy you a card...but somehow, I don't think that would express the kind of respect that is due...And for any guys out there who read...this was in no way meant to diminish your importance or contribution...this was written in the spirit of motherhood only...and Father's day is coming!!

"Motherhood is priced by God, a price no man may dare to lessen or misunderstand."~Helen Fiske Hunt Jackson.

I'm taking MYSELF back...

Greetings!

As per my post yesterday, I will let you all know, that I am teaching my "alarm clock" how to "give" a little and how to NOT be so DEMANDING. As per usual (lately), 5 o'clock seems to be HER time...but she is learning that 6:30 a.m. is more MY time and who da boss up in heeyah..yeah,that's right! She is a bit disappointed, I can tell by the "turd-under-her-nose" look on her face...but hey, you'll have that from time to time I guess..hehehehe. She remembers being "put out" yesterday but that sharpened tunnel-vision overcomes her I guess, so she TRIED...with her little attempts to pull the covers off of me. Although, ignoring her attempts today did get a little easier...she conceded MUCH more willingly this morning--and when "I" decided it was time to get up, I made sure I played with her and gave her a good pettin' and lots of love to "reward" her for her "better" behavior.

The days of the "doormat" are coming to a close...and how pathetic to come to this realization by the actions of your PET!! But...I guess whatever works for ya. I talk a bunch about personal responsibility but I have found over the past couple of days that having a bit of self-respect makes TAKING that responsibility much easier. Kind of like greasing the wheels a bit. It is so easy for us to play the victim isn't it..I think we become accustomed to being walked over and don't give it a second thought UNTIL we DO....and then, well, don't know bout you, but what I see in the mirror is a shadow of my FORMER self--and in keeping with that line of thought...

I was thinking just the other day that I believe that who we really ARE inside is displayed the most freely in our teenage years. We are so free-spirited, aren't we? No REAL responsibility, no bills hanging over our heads, and everything is pretty much provided TO us...so all we have to do is LIVE. Although it was quite a selfish existance (from what I can remember..LOL), it was nonetheless a very real being true to myself. There are a lot of factors to take into consideration; however, like I was in no way versed in what adulthood would throw at me, the immense responsibility of caring for and nurturing my own children to adulthood, or just the STRESS of the immense juggling act of it all. There are SO many more things to take into consideration as we age. We were living in oblivion...but is there a place of equal measure in this? Sure there is...the trick is to FIND it. Maybe our chance at this would be what is termed "mid-life" crisis...but is it a crisis at all, or a gift to us? I mean, how many times have we all seen the stereotypical 40-something male donning the toupe, driving the covertible sports car, when just last week, he was Joe Shmoe, driving a ratty old pickup, bald as a billiard ball content to work in his workshop or do the yard work-OR-the middle-aged woman professionally-dressed to the 9s attending college courses biting off big dreams of "making something of herself" when just last week, she was content to laze around in her sweats, pulling weeds from her flower garden, attending her children's sports events, only dreaming of far-away places she would like to see--tears in her eyes because EVERYTHING she put herself into and had ever known as an adult was disappearing before her very eyes, and she was left with this empty, restless feeling that only with sleep could she escape. Could this be a call back to ourselves instead of a crisis...I mean, with all of that said, haven't we ALL said of a mid-lifer at some point "he/she is acting like a teenager." I remember having LOADS of self-respect back then...there was NO ONE gonna walk on me, dash my dreams, or tell me what to do or how to live my life. Do we become our own worst enemy through the years of adulthood..or do we just soften? I do seem to recollect; however, that everytime I decided to exercise MY RIGHTS as a teen, there was always someone to answer to...is this the difference? Are we afraid to take a step back to ourselves in adulthood because of the lack of a safety-net, a rescue from our mistakes? Whatever it is, it needs to be reconciled one way or the other cuz, where the rubber hits the road, we are really all we have, right? It is difficult to even fathom taking all of what we "lent" to others of ourselves and feed it back to the source isn't it? All I know is that what I do with myself...I want it to mean something. I don't want it to be just some temporary measure to make myself feel important or "young again"...I want it to stick and permeate, so that I can be proud to continue on in it and reveal it as a very important chapter of the book of my life. It seems that it almost has to be the mix of the reckless abdandon of the teenager with the level-headed experience of adulthood... and our very own teenagers can really take us back there, can't they? In this, the circle of life, it seems that the student does INDEED become the teacher. It's really more about attitude than anything I guess, in what direction that attitude is pointed....and the harmony which is achieved in using the best attributes/additions we have obtained/added to our attitude throughout the different phases of our lives. The balancing act never ends, does it?

"To have faith means to dare, to think the unthinkable, yet to act within the limits of the realistically possible; it is the paradoxical hope to expect the Messiah every day, yet not to lose heart when he has not come at the appointed hour. This hope is not passive and it is not patient; on the contrary, it is impatient an active, looking for every possibility of action within the realm of real possibilities. Least of all it is passive as far as the growth and liberation of one's own person are concerned.... " ~ Erich Fromm.

DO SOMETHING JUST FOR YOURSELF today...be careful, be safe, and DON'T limit your experience in it to just your head!! Feel it, be it, LIVE it...Peace!

"It was then that I carried you...."

Hi folks!

Well, my little Hester started in just a little too early for me this morning--about 5 a.m., so I got up, let her out of my room thinking maybe she was hungry and wanted to get downstairs to the food dish--KNOWING somewhere in my mind this was wishful thinking...but I gave it a shot anyway and just as I suspected, that was NOT good enough for her...nope, she wanted ME up to accompany her. So the next hour or so was spent listening to her relentlessly dig at the bottom of my door, the carpet beneath it, and meowing (though very quietly)...as she isn't one who is very boistrous to begin with. Nonetheless, her mission was to "wake me"...mission accomplished. My mission was to sleep an extra hour...mission foiled.

As completely innocent and nondescript as this little story must sound and just a normal "one of those things that happen" in a "day in the life" and everyone has them....it sorta forced me to look inside a little bit. I like the fact that Hester sleeps with me each nite and I even like the fact that she wakes me each morning, but I am beginnning to see that it has become on "her" terms. How does this happen right before our eyes without us really even seeing it. And how many areas of my life is this phenomenon <--for the lack of a better term, happening? I cut my little fur baby some slack as she is an animal and lacks a little thing called verbal communication and has to use what she is equipped with to let me know what she wants...but is it nonetheless just "pushing buttons?" And how does she know what annoys me enough...makes me happy enough...and even though I put her outside of my door and closed her out, what made her "tunnel vision" this attempt until she got what she wanted...because I CAVE...that's why. She knows my weaknesses and monopolizes on them. I have taught her how to treat me, get over on me, and basically control me. Hmmmm...how embarrassing. I have always thought of myself as a pretty democratic person...I've raised my children in a pretty democratic household where they are included in the decision making but where I really make the final decision...but feel it important to take EVERYONE'S feelings and opinions into consideration before making that decision...after all, they all have needs and feelings...even the animals....and they live here and everyone and everything deserves to and will be respected. I have found though that this kind of "democracy" does lend itself to hostile takeover whenever I decide to make a decision based on SELF respect...hard pill to swallow, to find that the example you set for others to respect others, consider others, and place others above yourself most times turns you into a DOORMAT...which I assure you is NOT the intent...it is meant to teach a give-and-take proposition. I will give when it is warranted to you...you will give when it is warranted to me. They say "live before" and "be the change you want to see in the world" and that it is better to teach by example than how most of my generation was raised...by the old "do as I say, not as I do" philosophy. Only I can see so many areas in my very own life where the former has come back to bite me in the ass...or claw me in the face...as the case may be!

Changing the subject just a bit..becuz to me (with only a 1/2 cup of coffee ingested) it may seem a different direction..but very relative. Funny things, STRENGTH and INDEPENDENCE are. These words seem to be thrown into the mix whenever someone who exhibits these qualities and/or virtues is in crisis. "You're a strong woman, you'll be fine" or "You've started over before with less than you have now" & they are great "fire under your ass starters" but sometimes THAT candle's wick is lost underneath all the melted wax of that light burning bright for so long...and I will assure you that these words DO NOT take the place of compassion and where applicable, remorse. I have many virtues...although most get overlooked in favor of my strength...and I have found that if people see this in you, they just figure that you can HANDLE whatever gets thrown your way, as you have proven to do this time and time again...but what they neglect to see is what adversity you suffer first..there is great suffering in the strong, and will go out on a limb and say WAY more than that experienced by the WEAK. To the weak, everything is a crisis, it seems.

So to sum this up...I leave you with a thought for the day...CONSIDER ALL THINGS...not just you're interpretation because there could very well be someone close to you, even very outwardly...begging you to see past their strength and unselfishness to offer back some of what they continually offer you. The character traits of someone in no way make them INHUMAN or immune to confusion and hurt feelings. They may have carried your burdens for YOU when you needed it the most....consider this...they may not have enough room on their shoulders to carry their own.

Namaste.